I often get asked, “How did you change from this anxious, screaming, control-freak Dad and husband into the calm guy?” Here are the two indispensable qualities it takes to change:
(1) Humiliation. Nothing is more humiliating than sitting in a therapist’s office, looking at your wife and realizing, “I can build a business, I can fix my car, but I have no idea how to connect with you emotionally.” The realization that the son you love doesn’t respect you…because he has to be the one to “manage your emotions” because you can’t control your own…is devastating. Your deepest scars and flaws are laid bare in front of your family.
(2) Honesty. I hid for years behind excuses, denial and lies: “This is the way my Dad did it. The wife and kids just need to change and get with the program.” I finally admitted, “I am a 35-year-old who acts like a hurt little boy and needs to grow up.”
My wife had to confront the lie she told herself: “If I keep neglecting myself and trying to please everyone else, someday someone will appreciate me.” But that day never comes. Your kids and spouse will not respect you when you do not respect and value yourself. The resentment toward others and anger at yourself will only go away when you summon the courage to change.
I changed generations of negative behavior patterns by controlling myself instead of others, sitting instead of stomping, asking questions instead of lecturing, praising instead of criticizing, allowing people to have a differing opinion without having to prove my point. It’s hard work! It is ultimately why listening daily to the messages on the Bag of CDs is so critical. You have to actively and intentionally renew your mind.
As I began practicing the calm strategies, it became addictive. Why? Because it worked! I changed. My relationships changed. I could discipline with dignity and be the grown up when everyone else was freaking out. I could have a difficult conversation with my spouse. Do you know how satisfying that is?
