You’re trying to cook dinner, help the other child with homework, have a rare conversation with your spouse, or simply enjoy a peaceful moment. But you hear the siblings escalating in the other room. There’s drama and the emotional fire is growing.
So you slam down your spatula in frustration and march into the living room. And here’s where this whole scene either explodes in chaos and yelling, or turns into an amazing opportunity to problem solve. But it all depends on how YOU respond to the sibling fight.
See, there’s already high drama in the room. Each child is playing his part. One is intentionally provoking the other, and his brother falls prey to his taunts, choosing to react and escalate the situation even more. It’s a highly choreographed dance they have perfected. And now you are about to add even more drama to the entire scene. Your drama.
You’re about to make this all about you and your anxiety, your guilt over feeling like a bad Mom or Dad because your kids aren’t grateful and can’t get along, your frustration because you are exhausted and just want one peaceful night without having to repeat the same things over and over and over and over and over and over again.
So you lecture, plead, work yourself up, and finally separate them. But you have just robbed them because they never learn how to control themselves.
See, both kids play their roles equally. One is the provoker-he needs intense brain stimulation so he pushes everyone’s buttons. When people react to him and he gets under their skin, it fires his brain and feels good. It’s a negative way to meet that need for brain stimulation, but it works. And when you enter the room and add your own intensity and drama, now he is getting a double dose of brain stimulation. First, he provoked his brother. Now he gets to try to use that amazing brain to weasel his way out of consequences by arguing with you and creating some elaborate story to convince you he didn’t do anything. See how that works?
And the other sibling? Oh, he’s no helpless victim (caveat: sometimes kids are being victimized in the home and need to be protected). He’s playing his part perfectly. He loves being the victim, the oppressed. Maybe he likes to imagine himself as that perfect, well-behaved brother who never does anything wrong, but everyone picks on him. But he doesn’t have a lot of confidence and lacks the self-respect necessary to refuse to take the bait from his brother. And so he reacts every time to reinforce the narrative in his brain that he’s a helpless victim who’s done nothing wrong.
And he’s just waiting for you to come into the room, to validate that narrative and his status as the victim. And when you yell at the provoker to “Just leave your brother alone!” he feels satisfied inside. “Yes, Mom, you’re right. It’s all his fault and I don’t have a choice in this matter. I’m just a victim.”
Can you see what’s happening here? You are just a pawn in their never-ending game to get their needs met. And you play your role beautifully. Come in, bring your own drama, reinforce what they each want deep down inside.
And this situation will never change until you control the only person in this scene that you can control: yourself. You can change this dynamic and begin to teach important life lessons your kids need.
Because if you don’t teach the provoker how to get brain stimulation in healthy ways, he will grow up to be an impulsive job-hopper who unknowingly creates this same drama in all his relationships-with his future wife, employers, and kids.
And the other child may grow up to be a lot like you or your spouse, one of whom is probably the resentful, exhausted, helpless victim. We all have our roles we play. You just happen to have an opportunity to teach your kids this NOW so they don’t have to learn in therapy 30 years from now, in the midst of a strained marriage.
Want to know how? If you’re still having power struggles over homework, morning routine, chores, and the color of the sky, then you haven’t listened to the CDs yet. So get this month’s special.
When you GET THE BAG, you are getting the confidence that comes with 9 hours of practical strategies and answers to your 100 toughest questions. You are investing in a changed family with no more power struggles. You will learn dozens of very practical, concrete strategies to:
– Get your kids to listen the first time.
– Improve focus, organization, social skills and confidence.
Ready to change your family life overnight? Then click here to GET THE BAG.
