Some of you have adopted or fostered children. Some were abused, some abandoned in orphanages. Many are angry, many have attachment disorders (RAD). No one will ever really understand the struggles you face. Friends will tell you that you just need to discipline better-but it’s usually not a discipline issue. They will say that if you just love them, it will heal them.
But you have loved these children with all your heart and more-and sometimes the manipulation, threats, violence, and other external behaviors don’t change. They may continue to push you away. It will hurt you and may even begin to tear your family apart. No one will ever really understand just how much it hurts you.
Here are three things that people don’t understand about many of these kids.
(1) It’s usually not defiance. It’s fear. Anxiety. When our kids shut down, resist, or flat out defy you-when they call you names and swear-it’s usually not defiance. It’s fear. Anxiety. Of course they don’t want to go to that new school, Tae Kwon Do class, or new activity. It’s all out of their control. They are scared kids-and the only way they know how to respond is fight or flight-or both.
So when we get to the root of the issue and give them some sense of “ownership” (not control) of the new situation, it helps alleviate some of that fear and anxiety.
(2) It’s usually not lying. It’s shame. Of course they are embarrassed because they messed up once again. And here’s the hard part. In your head, you will think, “But they should know better. They should know how to do simple things or make good choices.” But the truth is that they often simply don’t. Because they are not usually making logical or rational choices. They are reacting emotionally out of fear.
When we speak at adoption and foster care conferences, this is one of the hardest concepts for parents to grasp. You’re looking at this child thinking, “But I have taught you this 150 times and you know the consequence. Why won’t you listen to me?” But we can’t take their choices personally. It’s not about us. It’s about them. Really hard.
(3) It’s usually not about stealing, meltdowns, or a behavior issue. It’s about pure survival. When they steal, hoard, or won’t share, they aren’t being intentionally selfish. They are scared they aren’t going to have enough. That meltdown is probably driven by frustration and anger. It feels like everything is closing in on them. What do we do when we panic? We react and lash out.
There are no black and whites with these kids. It’ a murky gray. That misbehavior may be driven by an instinct to survive in the moment. So you have to repeatedly SHOW them how to make good choices, overwhelm them with tools to succeed rather than consequences for failing. That’s why affirmation for progress, not perfection, is so critical.
A high percentage of these children were prenatally exposed to drugs and alcohol and no amount of love or discipline can heal the organic brain damage that results.
The simple truth is that sometimes there is nothing you can do–and that’s okay. Don’t feel guilty for that.
Some of you are literally rebuilding a broken human being, who has been shattered into little pieces. So thank you for that. There’s no quick fix, no super glue. You are painstakingly building a human being one piece at a time-it’s messy, it’s harder than anything you can ever imagine. So get support from other parents who truly understand, whether at a local support group or online. Don’t hang out with parents who judge you or offer simple platitudes. It will frustrate you and pile unnecessary guilt on you.
If we can support you, we’d love to speak at your next conference.
(1) Forward this to your adoption or foster care agency/organization. We’ve spoken at conferences all across the country and would love to provide a different perspective.
(2) Email us at Emily@CelebrateCalm.com right now with the name of your organization and city. We’ll show you how easy it is to make this happen.
(3) Call us at 888-506-1871.
Yes, you will actually speak to us!
This will change families’ lives. Forever. Thank you for caring so much.
