“Whatever you did to my husband has changed our family. I was hoping he could see a different approach other than my-way-or-the-highway. Well, something clicked when listening to your Bag of CDs, because my husband later admitted three things that blew me away.”
In the interest of editing, I have summarized the three insights below and added my own comments. No consequences will work if you don’t understand this about your kids.
(1) “I always thought our son was a defiant kid--now I know he’s a frustrated kid. I used to focus on how difficult he makes life for us, but I never understood how difficult life is for him.” I guarantee you that kids who shut down, refuse to do work, pick on siblings, or lash out at you have this in common: they are bright, purposeful kids who feel like they are swimming upstream in life. Instead of reacting to the outward defiance or resistance, teach them how to deal with their frustration.
(2) “All along my focus has been on punishing him when he fails instead of giving him tools to succeed.” Think about this. Consequences are merely a reaction to a child making a bad choice. If a child has made the same poor choice 10 times and lost everything he owns-and it still isn’t changing his behavior-then you must shift your thinking. Behavior will change when you spend your energy giving your child tools to succeed and make good choices.
Your child WANTS to please you. No kid wants to be in trouble all the time. Make this assumption and it will change your approach: “I assume that you want to make good choices.”
(3) “All of my lecturing is making things worse. I need to stop or I’m going to alienate him.” Begin doing the opposite of what you normally do. Sit, ask questions, and praise instead of standing over your child, lecturing, and criticizing. The more you care about something, the less your child cares and the more he resists.
Worse yet, this constant tension in the home between siblings, parents and kids messes with your kids’ nervous systems, causing issues with sleep, focus, attention, short-term memory, behavior and more.
So many behavior issues are within YOUR control as a parent–the more you change your attitude, the more your kids’ behavior will change. It’s very powerful, but very difficult. You have to want this. It’s going to take both time and a financial investment. But I promise it’s less costly and frustrating than living every day with the stress and tension hanging over your home every evening.
Get the Bag of CDs. If you need help financially, then contact us. We don’t bite, but we DO help everyone who asks. Email Emily@CelebrateCalm.com or call 888-506-1871. We will personally respond within hours, if not sooner.
