What do you wish your spouse knew about how you feel inside? What do you wish you could say without your spouse becoming defensive, so that he/she understood you? This is the process we’re going through with couples as we prepare for the Calm Couples™ Marriage Challenge. I would like your feedback. Do not reply on Facebook! Post below this blog using a fake name so you can remain anonymous.
Here are some of the responses we have received so far. In parenting sessions, I like to give voice to what your children are feeling inside, but don’t know how to say. Through the Calm Couples™ Challenge and mentoring, I am going to give voice to the true feelings inside men and women. What do you want your spouse to know? Do any of these resonate?
What do you want your spouse to know about how you feel now?
I am scared because I don’t even like you or know you now.
I can’t trust you right now.
I have a lot of pain inside I need to work through.
I am mad at myself for letting things get this way.
I am angry at myself for being a weak person and letting you do this to me.
When I am with you, I can’t be myself. I shut down.
I wish you wouldn’t assume the worst about me. I AM trying.
I have so much anxiety and guilt. I feel trapped.
I need help. I cannot do this alone. I don’t want to do this alone.
I feel like your drinking/video games are more important than me.
I wish you would choose your family over your addiction.
I really want to be your husband and for you to be my wife, not just the mother of our kids.
I miss having a friend to share life with.
We’re just going through the motions. My eyes and mind are beginning to wander and that scares me.
You can read more helpful marriage posts here or click here to learn about the Calm Couples Marriage Challenge. This is real life. Don’t let anything stand in your way of making the changes you deserve. We can help financially. You just have to ask. Email Brett@CelebrateCalm.com or call 888-506-1871.What do you want YOUR spouse to know about how you feel inside?
14 comments
I wish my husband knew how lonely I feel even when we’re in the same room.
I wish my husband would realize how precious his children are. They have offered to use their hard-earned money to do activities that he is only mildly interested in, so he just puts them off. he makes all of us feel unimportant -we can’t share with him unless it’s always on his terms. It makes me hurt and resentful; I can’t imagine being his kid.
I can’t even talk to him about anything without it blowing up into this fight or him leaving the room angry and upset. So I’ve given up. I just do everything myself. And yes, I am angry about that!
I wish he knew how special his kids are and how angry I am about how he has treated them and me, like we are unimportant and worthless. The world revolves around him. I wish he knew my autistic child does not need to be fixed, he is perfect the way he is. That child (and the others) could teach him something if he would just realize that he doesn’t know everything. Physical aggression is not the answer. The kids respond to love and talking. I wish he knew that I was done with this marriage, and the only reason I am staying is because I know if he got visitation he would physically hurt them. I wish he knew how unhappy everyone was when he is around.
I wish my wife knew that I really am trying at this. It’s not easy for someone like me. My Dad was physically abusive and loved his drink more than us. I know I haven’t been the best husband and I am willing to work at it. I don’t want her to give up on me.
I wish he understood how much his cynicism and negativity crushes what little energy I can muster up for hope and coping. I wish he believed in himself and his family more. I wish he could be strong and hopeful for all of us.
Kirk, I wanted you to know we’re going for it. My husband agreed to drive from NJ to DC next Saturday for the Relationship Rescue in person, said he trusts you because you were just like him. We decided this would be our Christmas gift to each other. The sad truth is that if we don’t turn this around, it will be our last holiday together as a family. Brett was kind and helped us with payments, so we’re scared but hopeful. I want my husband to know how much it means to me that he’s willing to work on this. It makes me feel important.
Whether you are going to marriage counseling or participating in our programs, I want you to look at this in a different way. Several people said they wanted to participate in person, but were embarrassed. Sure, you can participate online. But I don’t want you hanging your head in shame, feeling embarrassed or like a failure.
Instead, I want you to walk in with this attitude: I am now working at the hardest and most important job on Earth, but I haven’t been given the tools or skills to be successful. So I need some on-the-job training and some new skills to be successful at my job. I want you to be bold and say, “I am going to be successful at this new job. This is important work. So I’m taking it seriously and learning some new skills.”
In the real world, people would admire you for taking on a new and demanding job…and putting in the effort to learn new skills. This is no different.
I wish my husband and i could interact positivly and constructivly without chemical aide. We talk and have so much fun with each other when drinking. We even can talk through issues but the daily grind is a different dynamic. I hate it.
I wish my husband knew that I feel that I have worked as hard as I could have, yet it doesn’t seem to have mattered. I feel like his addiction to drugs and now recovery doesn’t leave room for me or our family. I feel like I’ve wasted a lot of time trying to be here and make things work, only to look around and see everything is just as empty as ever. I wish he knew how much I needed him to be proud of me and support me instead of trying to diminish anything I try to improve myself. I wish he knew just how close I am to leaving.
I hate Valentine’s Day, too! That’s when I met my husband, in 1983.
I wish my husband knew that reading Valentine cards at the store makes me cry. I wipe my tears and hope no one notices. I read and reread the cards trying to find one I can live with. I can’t give it to you if I don’t mean what it says. They say things like, “You’re my best friend!”
“I can share my troubles with you.” “You make me feel special.” “I feel safe and happy when I’m with you.” In my head, I answer, “NO! You aren’t even a friend to me. I regret when I share with you, although it seldom helps if I try to hide problems. Even when you make things work out better, I almost never feel better. You’re so disrespectful and angry about everything! You drain me of energy, hope, and happiness. (I know Kirk… I’m giving him my power.) Thanks to our poor relationship, the kids (19 and 17) are just as bad. It’s so overwhelmingly sad. I need to feel loved, appreciated and successful. My grandma makes me feel that way. Just the way that your friends and your job make you feel wanted and clever. I know you’re as miserable as I am, and so are the kids. They won’t date, have few friends, and say they won’t marry. I’ll worry if they do. We can’t go back in time and we only have one life to finish living. If you ever want to try to get along better, I’ll try, too. Just know that we may have to spend some time and money, and I’m pretty sure we’ll have to work at it and actually talk… not just jump in bed. (That just makes me feel worse… like Valentine’s Day.) But I’d like to try. I’m pretty sure this is taking years off our lives!
I wish my husband would understand who God created him to be. I wish he’d stop running from his past like a dog with something stuck to its tail and turn around to see that whatever it is, it is glued to him until he chooses to remove it. I wish he’d realize we’re here to support him rather than seeing us as the source of all his problems. I wish he’d really see us for who we are and cherish us. I wish he knew that what he says and does matters in that it impacts us for good or for ill. I wish he knew what he was missing out on when he replaces intimacy with exits and distractions. I wish he appreciated how short a time childhood lasts and how paramount is his influence. I wish that love could penetrate to the depths of his soul instead of bounce off his numerous defenses. I wish he’d grow up before it is too late. I wish he knew how much I appreciated his every effort towards becoming whole and how much our son benefitted from his doing so.
I wish he could see that years of saying that he loves me but failing to work outside the home to support his family erases those words. I wish he was internally self-motivated to do something, ANYTHING to show that he could lead and protect us. My constant fear is that if something happens to me and I cannot work, he and our child will end up homeless, living out of a car or shelter. I wish he saw that kids are kids for just a moment, and that ours deserves to have him love her fully during her childhood, in ways that she connects to (hugs, tickles, cuddles, stories, walks holding hands, etc.)
I wish my husband was as successful at being a parent and spouse as he is at being a business man. I wish he knew how his anger and drinking so negatively impact us. I wish he knew how his son worries about him each time he hears his dad has a meeting (usually means he’s out drinking). I wish he could see how incredible his son and daughter are. He only sees the negative. I wish I could tell him how much I would like to leave but am afraid to do so. I wish he could see that this huge house, the fancy cars and private schools mean so much less to me than they do to him. I wish he knew that I am afraid to leave him alone with the kids because he might lose his temper or yell at them. I wish he knew how afraid I am that our kids will be scarred by his dominating, controlling ways. I wish I knew how to get him to change. How do I stop giving him my power without dealing with the reprocussions of doing so?
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