Ugh. I know you don’t even want to deal with this now because you are exhausted, but you must. It only gets more difficult the longer you wait. It isn’t going away.
Do any of these situations describe yours?
- Your husband hasn’t been engaged emotionally. You didn’t want to rock the boat so you didn’t say anything. He thought things were okay. Now you are fighting resentment and don’t have the emotional energy to even try.
- One spouse has announced their intention to separate or divorce. Is there a way to repair this, even though the grass looks greener?
- You have had the thought, “I wish something would happen to my spouse–not to be mean or anything–but if they were just gone, I could move on.”
- You don’t even know how to talk about anything meaningful. You make small talk to keep the kids and house moving along, but you can’t ever bring anything up.
- You don’t know how to handle conflict of any kind. So you don’t say anything or your spouse runs away. Or maybe one spouse tries to control everything so the issues go away.
- Trust has been broken because of infidelity or secret addictions. Forgiveness isn’t enough—can you rebuild the trust? Do you even want to?
What’s the common theme here? These are relationships in crisis. Something needs to change soon. I have been overwhelmed with emails lately asking for help with the above situations. I’m going to help you with a 40-Day Challenge to:
- Give you clarity about what the REAL issues are. And no, they probably aren’t what YOU THINK they are.
- Demonstrate with specific words and actions how to handle conflict, how to have difficult conversations (without it blowing up), how to connect, how to handle everything you are struggling with. It can be with a spouse, teenager or toddler.
- Put into words what you have wanted to tell your spouse, but haven’t been able to. It’s human nature. I won’t listen if my wife says it–but if someone who makes sense says it, it hits home. I will help you give voice to what you’ve wanted to say as a hurt or misunderstood spouse.
- Develop a very specific game plan to move forward. I don’t want to just give you perspective and hope; I want you to give you clear, doable action steps to make progress. We will accomplish this through a 40-day, intensive, online Relationship Rescue Challenge. You will receive a new message every day to reinforce what we discusses and practice making small steps.
I can give you fifteen excuses why you shouldn’t do this. But here’s why you should.
- I have been in your shoes. Staring divorce and a broken relationship right in the eyes. I’ve experienced the dread, the pain, the loneliness, the fear, the anger, the shame. This is the hardest thing you have ever done.
- Half of the problem is you. Not your spouse. Not your child. You can run, you can move on with your life when this person is gone. But then you will look in the mirror and find the problem staring back at you. And you’ll end up repeating the same patterns in your next relationship.
- This requires an investment. I don’t want people treating this as an optional or nice little thing to do. This is hard. This is critical. You know what’s even more expensive? Getting a divorce. Paying attorneys. Splitting property. And that’s not even the greatest cost. But I know some husbands are going to use this as an excuse. You don’t have to use this program, but you better get help somewhere.
- It’s embarrassing to admit you need help. Good. This process is going to require a tremendous amount of humility and honesty. Having the courage to say, “We need some help” is an extraordinary first step. Besides, you’re going to going through this with other good people who also give a darn about their relationships. I’d rather be in this position than suffering in silence, alone, about to lose everything meaningful.
- You can rationalize putting it off. “Oh, maybe it will get better.” “We don’t have time right now, Let’s just get the kids off to college and then we’ll do it.” You know you are lying to yourself. Want to give your kids a gift? Let them see your lives transformed before them.
- I want you to show self-respect. For some of you, this is the underlying issue. You don’t think you deserve or are worthy of a good relationship with a man who treats you with respect. So you settle. Or you suffer in silence. Don’t.
Registration
My regular fees for consultations are $250 per hour. You will get 40 days of mentoring–plus special messages each week answering your questions–via email.
Register for Calm Couples Marriage Challenge: 40 Days of Practical Strategies for $497 per family.This includes participation by both spouses. You can practice the new skills right in your home.
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Begin the New Year with a new you, a new marriage.
If you need payment plans or have any questions, call Brett at 888-506-1871. He is the friendliest person on the planet and can answer all of your questions.
What can you expect?
I am going to speak in very specific, blunt terms so we can get every issue out on the table. There will be great clarity.
You may participate alone if your spouse will not.
Some will say, “This is just B.S. I’m not wasting my time and money on this.” No skin off my back, but those are the words of an immature man. You don’t have to participate in this program, but do get some help. Work is easy-—relationships are scary and the most difficult thing we’ll ever do.

29 comments
Was just emailing with a friend in Chicago. And I believe this to be true. I’d say the vast majority of relationships (and maybe even 80%) today are just going through the motions. No one wants to say anything so you focus on making sure the kids are doing well in school, getting their piano lessons, eating right.
But you do this little hushed dance. As long as there are no big arguments and blow ups, everything is okay. Until, of course, it isn’t anymore. You’re not alone if this is happening. Just takes lots of courage to address it.
Hi Kirk – when is your Northern Virginia Calm Couples workshop scheduled? Would love to attend so trying to firm up the date, etc.
Thank you!
Jenny
Hi Kirk, this sounds very interesting and like something I would want to do, but my husband wouldn’t. I feel like I have been dragging him for help since we first married. I think his ideal relationship would be being fed and being left alone. I’ve seen some brighter spots and certainly been in worse with him, but I have never been able to get him to fully commit to the relationship (though he would say contributing his hard earned income to the family and getting our son off to school demonstrated his commitment). He just doesn’t get the connection thing and it is the one thing I desire from our relationship. It is hard to discuss anything with him because he is so defensive and reactive that nothing is accomplished. Any mention of a need in our relationship triggers feelings that something is personally wrong with him. Nothing is accomplished except our son begins to worry that we might get a divorce. Since he is around most of the time and our arguing upsets him, I refrain from starting conversations with my husband that might lead to arguments(which are most conversations of any substance). I am deeply committed, but I am getting tired and recognize that my husband wouldn’t know true intimacy if it bit him in the…nose. He never had it in his family of origin so how do I even convince him it is something he might want? We went to the most relaxed, easygoing, expert marriage counselor you could imagine and my husband later developed the mindset that the counselor was picking on him. I keep praying for that blinding flash on the road to Damascus because I know with God all things are possible, but short of that, is there anything I can do? Or should I accept step 1, that I am powerless and my relationship has become unmanageable?
Hi Alice,
Thank you for your commitment, patience and honesty. You are absolutely right to want a true connection with your husband.
I WAS your husband so I think I know what he’s feeling. Imagine I say, “Alice, I need you to become a rocket scientist.” You’d likely get overwhelmed, resist or make excuses. I come to you two weeks later and ask how you’re progressing. You would avoid the conversation, get angry or say, “I’m doing just fine being an accountant.” Why? Because you would have absolutely NO IDEA where to start. And every time it comes up, you would feel like a failure. I think that’s what he’s feeling.
In my own words, I was clueless. I didn’t know how to connect emotionally. I didn’t know what it looked, sounded or felt like. So how would I know where to begin?
In an ideal world, your hubby would say, “Alice, I know it’s really important to you that we connect.” But let’s begin with this first step. I want you to acknowledge that you understand what your husband is feeling. Sometime when you are both relaxed and can have a non-defensive discussion, perhaps bring up an analogy like the one above.
“Honey, when I bring up the topic of us having a deeper connection, does that just scare you to death?! Would it be like you asking me to be a rocket scientist (or choose something that HE is great at, but YOU are clueless about)? Because I would have no clue where to begin, so I imagine that I would probably shut down. Is that what it feels like?” Then listen. You may not want to take the conversation very far past this, but you want him to know that you understand this is really difficult and scary for him, just like him asking you to do what he does for a living would be difficult for you.
If you get him to acknowledge that he’s scared or overwhelmed, well, you’ve just connected…emotionally…in a very small way. And you’ve taken the pressure off of him to perform.
Does that make sense? Don’t give up!
Kirk,
thank you for your honest and humble response. I will try this and let you know how it goes. And if it works well, I’ll probably be asking you for a next step
I so appreciate all you do. You are a real inspiration and a pat on the back for doing what feels so intuitively right (for me, especially in regards to parenting)eventhough it often seems to go against what is taught so prevalently by our culture and behavioral experts. I am especially glad that you’re now providing a take on Christian parenting.
The cool thing with my son, though I don’t always see the progress at home, when he’s out in the world, I often see it in the encouragement he gives others.
Last night, I was so proud of him. My husband and he had been playing catch. It took a while for him to convince his dad to use a tennis ball because he didn’t want to get hurt with the harder baseball. Later, he told me when he threw a bad catch, my husband would throw an extra fast one back at him and he didn’t like this. I encouraged him to let his dad know how he felt. He approached his dad and asked in the most polite, yet assertive way for a behavior change from his dad for the next time they played catch. I wish I could remember his exact wording because a trained therapist couldn’t have said it better! In an ideal world, he wouldn’t have to ask in the first place and he wouldn’t have to give reminders next time they played, but he is learning to be assertive, to self advocate, and to persist.
Thanks again for being such an advocate for those spirited individuals you often refer to as “our kids.” It is thoroughly amazing that you once were as you describe above.
Hi Alice-
Just wanted to give you a little bit of encouragement today. My husband and I were facing a similar situation about 5 or 6 years ago. I know that seems like forever to you right now but the work was so worth it. Not everyday is a picnic at our house, but I have learned that my husband and most men aren’t taught how to be a friend, they aren’t taught to be open, they aren’t expected to call guy friends and sit on the phone for hours asking or talking about relationships. Their expectations in life are to be macho, tough and to keep many at arm’s length. And I think (just in my simple opinion) that they never really know how to reach out to their friends or to reach to us. Being a guy has got to be so lonely,frustrating, confusing and isolating. Once I thought about that, and I mean really thought about what he wasn’t getting from his friendships- I actually felt guilty and awful. He couldn’t just pick up the phone and call a guy to tell him how bad he was doing at work, or how the kids were driving him crazy or how all the chores were annoying. He was taught to suffer in silence. I started thinking how I could be more empathetic to his needs. I started praying for him (the on your knees, begging and crying to God to help me find a way to reach him). I’m not saying you have done the things that I have done; but I remember how much I hurt doing this time and I sympathize with your pain.
Praying for my husband, loving him, and asking God to change me and asking God to love my husband unconditionally the way that God does changed the direction of our relationship. Just like Kirk says, I can’t control my husband, but I can control how I respond or how I act around him. If there is anything I can do, please let me know.
Lots of love and prayers coming your way….
Darcy
Darcy,
thank you so much for your words of support. Your words and prayers encourage me. Much of what you say is true for my husband and I will keep in mind trying to see it from his perspective. He probably does suffer in silence a lot. Thank you for taking the time to respond.
Hi
I am not sure where to start but my marriage is in the going thru the motions phase of life. I don’t want to say anything to upset the apple cart. He has a short fuse – is insecure himself and ALL arguments are either my fault or the fault of our 10 year old son. He comes down way to hard on our son but he thinks he is “teaching” him something. The only thing I see it teaching is how to feel bad about yourself. He does not see it this way and passes it off as we/me is too sensitive. He has no friends and has trouble maintaining job happiness because he is never satisfied – there is always something more.
I am at my wits end…and want to pull away but I know that won’t help the situation. I cannot talk to him because he only feels attacked and that I am crazy and over sensitive.
Hi Jane-
Ok- take a deep breath. Let’s take a step back for a minute- okay? Do you think the short fuse and insecurity are related? Ok, now you know the answer to that and hopefully that will help you breath some. Great analysis to understand and empathize with your husbands insecurity and his ability to reach out. Do you think he comes down so hard on your son because he sees a reflection of himself? I know when I am arguing with my mini-me aka my daughter, I am a lot harder on her for all the same things that I do. I don’t mean to- I adore my baby girl so much but I do. Sometimes it’s so much easier to blame everyone else; but that also means that he recognizes the fact there are some underlying issues. And if your husband realizes that there are problems with his homelife and his worklife; he doesn’t have a place where he is happy; meaning his life has got to be pretty rough for him right now and he’s gotten used to living in that mindset. Do you think you would be able to do something for 7 days everyday, no matter how small to make his day just a little easier? Oh, I wish things were better for you Jane.
Please let me know if you need anything else.
Darcy
I would love to attend. I live in Tucson, Arizona and I don’t know if you will be here at anytime or not.
Have received a lot of emails about this. Some insight into why men struggle with this and what you can do. Sorry, but I cannot give specific advice on a blog–too hard to know all the dynamics. See if this helps:
10 Reasons Men Struggle with Relationships
1) It’s asking us to do something we feel utterly unprepared to do. If my wife says, “I need you to run new electrical wiring to the basement,” I’m going to panic, freeze, make excuses, stay at the office. I have no clue how to do this and you’re setting me up for failure.
2) You’re asking me to do something that’s foreign to me. While we were dating, I could laugh, have fun, be interested and ask you questions. But that was easy stuff. Now we’re dealing with deep stuff. You’ve changed, I’ve changed. We’ve got kids. Life is complicated. Whew, I’m checking out.
3) I have a lot of anxiety. You know that already, which is why you manage the kids and me and everything in the house. Now you’re asking me to deal with difficult emotional issues? I can solve problems at work using my brain and logic, but this emotional stuff scares me.
4) I’m a big baby. A big freakin’ baby. I want everyone else to change, not me. If the kids weren’t so difficult, if you could just deal with stuff, if my boss, if if if. It’s a big excuse. And at some point, I have to grow up and be a man.
5) I’m afraid to be vulnerable. My Dad was tough on me, we didn’t show emotion. That was weakness. If I open up, you may reject me. I may reject myself. I’ll stay inside my little cocoon because it’s safe there.
6) I make excuses and hide. Listen, I go to work, I earn a good living, I don’t run around or go drinking with the guys. What else do you want from me?
7) I manipulate. “You know what? I’m doing my best here, but it’s never good enough! Maybe you guys would just be better off without me. I’m not even good at this anyway.” I did that to manipulate my family–partly because I was a big baby and partly because I didn’t know how to be different.
(8) I won’t take you seriously because you don’t have any self-respect. You do your little complaining here and there, and occasionally make threats, but I know if I don’t step up, you’ll just take care of everything anyway because you care, you are dutiful and you don’t have the emotional strength now to fight this. So as long as you kind of suffer in silence, it allows me to hide. But once you start talking about taking my kids, my house and half of my future income, I start to pay attention.
9) I’ve resigned myself to this being the way it is. It was fun early on and at one time I loved you, but if something happened to you, it might just be a relief. Asking me to truly connect with you just seems impossible to me. Let’s not kid ourselves here.
10) I need some help. I’ve got ADHD, I’m bipolar, I am suffering from depression. But I can’t ask for help. I’m too proud or too scared. And so I drag my family down along with me. If I got some help for these conditions, I may just have the ability to work on our relationship.
This isn’t everything, but I can guarantee many of your husbands feel several of these. Just some food for thought. What are your thoughts?
Oh my. You just described my husband. He’s 8 out of 10 of what you described. I feel hopeless. I don’t know where to begin. I don’t even know if I want to begin. It’s like banging my head against the door over and over. The good thing is I’ve listened to all of your cd’s with the kids, and they are doing much better. They are my salvation at this point–I take so much encouragement and satisfaction in their progress. Not perfect, but I like who they are becoming. Just not sure I like who my husband is or who I’ve become, for that matter. Any way you can come to Atlanta? We just can’t get away for this but we desperately want the help. Thanks for listening and doing what you do. I’m going to ask my husband if he can identify with any of those 10 things and see what he says.
Kelley and others, after much internal discussion, we have opened up a special Calm Couples 40-Day Marriage Challenge so you can participate from ANYWHERE in the country. We will walk you through the process, answer all of your questions and give you specific words/actions to take. Right from your own home. And you can go through the process again and again.
Scroll to the top of this page to learn more or click here:
http://celebratecalm.com/calm-challenge/
Thank you so much Kirk for doing this Kirk. For all of you who have read this today, among all the posts listed today; I was able to identify with about 90%; yep 90% of all the comments. 6 years ago my husband and I went to see Kirk and Casey outside Chicago. Not sure if Kirk remembers that day, but I do, I cried, felt sick to my stomach, hated myself, hated my husband, was really annoyed by my kids, etc. A lot of growth and learning went on that day and the days, weeks, months and years to follow. Tomorrow my husband and I celebrate our 15 year anniversary; I know in my heart if it hadn’t been for Kirk and Casey we would not be reaching this milestone. I’m pretty sure we would have been divorced within 6 months of meeting you. Kirk- you know how much we love you and appreciate everything you have done with us and for us. For everyone reading this, there is a lot to learn about relationships, love, sacrifice and commitment. Please take this opportunity that he Martin’s are offering- I guarantee you, it will be like taking a little vitamin every day. One that can nourish you and help you start gluing your lives back together. It’s a long hard journey but so worth it. Much love and prayers to all-
Darcy
Kirk,
Though Ann’s post is no longer here, I hope you will pass along some of your insights regarding her situation as it sounds so much like mine, at least on the bad days. I feel like her soul sister and hope she knows she is not alone in her struggle.
The thing that has really helped me not take it so personally is that I know my husband doesn’t have the tools to do what I am asking at times. His anger isn’t about me and much of what he does that appears selfish is running and hiding/ self-soothing. He didn’t really learn to connect or value connection because his parents were absent when he needed comfort and understanding, or worse than that were dangerous to him. His needs for comfort and guidance weren’t met or worse than that, he was shamed and hurt for having them. He didn’t have an adult to walk with him through life’s difficulties and teach him how to cope. His methods were self-protecting as a child. In some ways, I am proud of him for surviving his childhood and come as far as he has.
He does need to grow up and I think he is trying. But it is extremely difficult at times to raise a highly spirited child with him. Like Ann, probably, I am between a rock and a hard place trying to decide on a daily basis which would be more damaging to our child, staying or leaving him to motivate him towards change (this doesn’t always work, either as he has a friend who has been left who spends most of his nights drunk and on the phone with my husband).
Lately, I think things are tipped in the direction of staying, but it is hard to be consistent parents when we aren’t on the same page. He tends to see some of our son’s behaviors as being done specifically to annoy him rather than out of something our son is dealing with aside from him.
Similarly, getting any kind of help for our family has been like leading a mule to water (the most stubborn mule you can imagine). And I do think it is like Darcy mentioned that he feels these attempts are about fixing him (implying something is wrong with him). Well, the truth is it is about all of us, our marital relationship, our parenting relationship, and him. He keeps wanting to pin it all on our son and get him fixed and that just won’t work. Thankfully, our son is vibrant delight most of the time.
One thing that I have heard on a radio show I listen to is that “Men become men in the company of other men.” Which basically means Ann and I are less powerful as change agents than a group of more mature men would be. Unfortunately, like my husband, hers has probably surrounded himself with men just like himself.
Which brings me to my observation that most of the people who are contacting you are women. How does one reach out to men, especially men who are so avoidant of anything that might bring them to maturity? I know you also have a Christian parenting website and I am wondering about your own journey and whether your transformation as a husband and parent came about before or after your transformation in faith. There is a huge need here for mature men like yourself to come along side these damaged men. But it is obvious from these posts that making it happen is extremely difficult, especially in the absence of a faith community. I’d be interested on your thoughts about this.
Alice, thanks for your post. Each transformation happened separately. Both required me to look my son and my wife in the eyes and say, “I am sorry. I have hurt you. I need to change, but I don’t even know how.” It’s not just humbling; it’s humiliating.
Working with parents and kids is second nature to me–I love it. Working with spouses on marriage is the most emotionally draining and difficult work I’ve ever encountered. That’s why I’ve put it off for so long. But I can’t anymore. There is way too much suffering going on.
We cannot allow a generation of children to grow up watching their parents unable to handle conflict and talk through situations together. If we don’t know how to problem solve and communicate, how can we teach our kids to?
The Relationship Rescue program (whether in person or through BootCamp) allows me to do some unique things from a man’s viewpoint:
(1) I can explain to women what’s going on inside a man’s head and heart. Men aren’t always good at that so it’s natural for wives to assume we’re just being selfish jerks (yes, sometimes we are). As you said above, you are realizing that your husband is lacking some foundational tools. That produces understanding and compassion.
(2) I can explain to men, in language we understand, what women really want. What do you mean you want a “connection”? It makes it easier for men when I can translate using guy language.
(3) I can help women understand how your innocent and perfectly appropriate requests or assertiveness sound to your husband. I can give you language that will motivate and be meaningful to your husband.
(4) I can be tough with guys and tell them to grow up in ways they understand. I’m not trying to turn your husband into your girlfriend. They can be fully “man” and fully engaged with you. I didn’t think it was possible before, but I feel more like a man, like a grown up, than I ever have before. And for some strange reason, my wife really enjoys it!
(5) I am comfortable dealing with pain, with imperfection, with adultery, with addictions, with pornography and all the stuff that affects our relationships. It’s not going to shock me. We have to deal with it or else we’re just using band-aids. I can provide you with language, specific actions steps and a plan–but it’s still up to husband and wife to work at it.
So I do hope that men will feel comfortable working with another guy. Does that make sense?
10 Reasons Men Struggle with Relationships doesn’t just descibe the issues my husband struggles with. I have most of the exact same problems too!
I’m trying (not much anymore)to do something that’s foreign to me.
I have a lot of anxiety.
I’m a big baby.
I’m afraid to be vulnerable.
I manipulate.
I don’t take him seriously because he doesn’t have [much] self-respect.
I’ve resigned myself to this being the way it is.
I need help.(ok, that was a no brainer-but aside from this list!)
Between the two of us, we’ve both checked out.
But, it’s nice to see this list and see how messed up I we are for a relationshiip in black and white.
Hi Lisa, ALL of these things apply to both men and women. Some people grew up in homes with an alcoholic parent and learned some debilitating patterns. Most of us just never learned how to handle conflict. So we run, we hide, or we lash out. You are not alone. My purpose is NOT to point out in black and white how messed up we are–we already know that!
The purpose of that list is to say:
1. You are not alone.
2. You’re not just a jerk or a bad person.
3. The situation is not hopeless by any means, though it seems so.
4. You need tools. You need new skills.
5. You can learn new skills and get new tools.
Don’t give up. Aside from your marriage, you have to live the rest of your life with…YOU. If you don’t get new tools, you’ll keep repeating these same patterns with everyone in your life. When I made these changes years ago, it wasn’t just to save my marriage. It was to save myself so that I could live the next forty years knowing how to handle conflict, relationships and life. It’s the most difficult thing you will ever do…which also makes it the most meaningful.
How can you help with a marriage when there has been infidelity? My husband and my friend were attracted to each other (I believe they still are) and had an intimate romantic night with each other 2 years ago in my house. He actually gave her a foot massage which I haven’t received in 6 years since we had our daughter. I did sense the attraction and even asked him before that night if he was attracted to her and of course he told me no which was clearly a lie. I’m not sure how I can ever get past this breach of trust. He did want to sleep with her and asked if she wanted to have sex with him and she said that is when she went home but I will never know if they did or did not have sex that night. By the way, my daughter and I were out of town visiting my mother for Mothers Day when this happened (how ironic is that). I still feel like this whole situation was his way of saying that he wants an open relationship or maybe just wants to pursue other relationships but he claims that he still wants to work on our relationship. I’m worried he is just staying because of Catholic guilt and/or his obligation to our daughter. I have threatened to leave and take our daughter so I’m sure that is adding to his guilt and worry and I feel awful for saying such things but the truth is I am deeply, deeply hurt and humiliated by this whole situation. This woman friend is still in my life because our daughters are friends so I feel like I’m still dealing with the hurt on a regular basis. I would like to know specifics of how you can help us because the truth is I’ve been through divorce before and it doesn’t have to be that expensive if you use a mediation process. Before I make a big commitment, I really would like to know some specifics of how you can help couples where infidelity (emotional affairs can be just as scarring by the way – especially when your own friend is the other woman) is the source of broken trust. I’ve read through the comments and haven’t seen this subject really talked about.
Hi Heather, I am so sorry for your continued pain. I will address this with some specifics shortly, but here are some initial thoughts. There is a difference between forgiveness and trust. They are not the same. You can forgive, but that doesn’t mean you trust. To me, the emotional/physical infidelity “incident” is not even the most disturbing part of what you have described.
It is the ongoing emotional torture caused by the unknowns. You don’t know if it even really happened. You don’t know if your husband just wants an open relationship or not. Is he really committed or isn’t he? Is he motivated by Catholic guilt or by true motivations? You still think your “friend” and your husband are still attracted to each other, but you don’t know.
That is torture. There cannot be trust in this kind of environment. The infidelity incident isn’t even the biggest issue in some ways–that was just an outgrowth of deeper issues. It appears that in the past two years, you and your husband have not even been able to have an honest, transparent, humble discussion about what happened…and where you stand.
You should feel deeply hurt and humiliated. Absolutely. Threatening to leave feels like an empty threat to your husband. I want there to be a deeper sense of self-respect and dignity on your part. If you only leave without ever resolving this for good or bad, that pain and shame will not leave you. There will always be unknowns. And that emotional torture will haunt you.
You don’t have to do our Calm Couples Challenge. It’s one option among many. But DO request that your husband go to marriage therapy with you. That is the minimum I would require of him. This isn’t about settling scores–this is about learning how to build a trusting, deep relationship. And if you haven’t had an honest talk about this for two years, if you are tiptoeing around this while being literally eaten up inside every day, then it’s time to take a stand. Self-respect demands that of you.
Final comment: I don’t know the details of your situation so take this for what it’s worth. But if I were you, my self-respect and my marriage come before my daughter’s friend. Your daughter can find new friends. This other woman may have made a bad mistake–I can forgive her, be kind to her, but she is NOT my ongoing friend who I see each week…especially when I think she and my husband may still have feelings for each other. Not happening. That’s what I mean. This is partly your issue–there’s self-respect at stake here. And it’s very much your husband’s issue. But he’s been allowed to kind of dance around all of this with immunity. And neither of you have been able to take even the first step yet, two years later, to even have an honest discussion.
I have had honest discussions with my husband. I’m worried he is not being honest with me. And you are right that I am having a very hard time putting my relationship with my husband before my daughter’s feelings for her friend. I think it absolutely sucks that my daughter has to end her friendship because my husband and friend decided to sneak behind my back and declare their feelings for one another during a romantic night at my house! And I don’t think I should be the one who ends that friendship. I want my husband to take the initiative and responsibility and make it come to an end because he should own up to what he did and be the bad guy with my daughter. Its not fair that I’m being put in this position and I feel like your advice puts me right back in that position. How would you explain to a 6 year old that she can’t see one of the friends she loves the most in this world because her Daddy wanted to (or maybe did) boink her friends Mommy? Also, my friend and her husband (who do have an open marriage by the way) have been begging me to let the girls still see each other. And yes I have tried to forgive everyone and even tried to be friends with the this woman again but it was way too hard – especially when she and my husband would be together at events because we both caught her staring at him. I’m actually proud of myself for trying to forgive and move forward because the old me would have never even tried. But really this is all such ridiculous high school drama and really it is hard not to just want to walk away. Both my husband and my friend really need to grow up. Yes I would still carry around a lot of not knowing if I walked away but that just seems inevitable no matter what. There is no way for me to ever know if my husband did have sex with my friend or if he still likes her or not. I’ll never be in his head. It just feels like a huge leap of blind faith to ever really build trust again. I’m really trying but I’m struggling and I do have a senses of torture which is causing huge resentment in me. I also want to be clear that everything I’m writing to you are things I have already told my husband. He is the type who doesn’t ever want to deal with conflict and I’m tired of taking on all of the difficult issues in our lives. Oh and I haven’t even gotten into his pot smoking and drinking issues. This just all feels like too much for me to really deal with. I’ve been doing my best to center myself by bringing meditation into my life, going to nonviolent communication courses, and even bringing alternative energy healing modalities into my life so I’ve been doing a ton of work on myself because I know I am the only person I can really change. He did stop drinking and smoking pot after the incident 2 years ago but now he is back to it albeit in a more casual way but a few weeks ago he did get really drunk and it was very painful to watch. He did go to a therapist for awhile and we did try going to one together but she (the therapist) started to just shame him and that wasn’t going to help us. He already has had enough shame from his Catholic upbringing so we need an environment that is unconditional and accepting in order to really help us. I’m not only concerned about the cost but I can see you have a Christian influence in your work and I’m wondering how that would play into your mentoring.
Heather, I applaud you for the emotional strength you have shown. It takes us a great deal of courage to do what you have. Forgive me for not writing with more clarity–I agree that you should not be put in that position.
Before I write more, I want to be clear that I am not interested in convincing you to do our Calm Couples program. It’s just one option. I AM interested in you and your husband getting the tools you need to address your situation and rebuilding the trust. If you can find a good, non-judgmental therapist or counselor, by all means do that.
Allow me to address some issues that I hope are helpful for others as well:
- Yes, there is no doubt that your husband needs to grow up. That’s why I have shared my story so much. I was your husband in many ways. Many men make bad choices, find themselves in over their heads, and then have no clue how to remedy the situation. I want to give him practical tools to restore this relationship.
- I am not a big believer in threats. I do believe in specific, concrete ultimatums and choices. “Hubby, you have a choice to make. Out of respect for me, you need to break off any connection you have with this other woman. I have forgiven you; you must take steps to rebuild trust. She needs to withdraw from social interactions with us and our family. I promise you that if you choose to take this step and begin working on rebuilding our relationship, I will put my energy into rebuilding the trust. I also promise you that if you will not take this step, then you are choosing to lose your daughter, your wife and your income. It’s time for you to make a choice.” Make it specific and concrete.
- Shame. Here’s the irony of shame. You’d think the shame would drive your husband to humility and restoration. But sometimes that sense of shame drives people AWAY. They are afraid of being vulnerable in their shame–the other person may pile on, judge them more or hold it over their heads for a long time. I have seen husbands use the shame/infidelity as a dagger held over his wife’s head such that it holds them both hostage to a past event. I have seen wives who’ve been hurt develop a sense of empowerment in being wronged. I want to show men how to embrace turn their shame into positive steps to slowly rebuild the trust and connection…not run away.
- Judgment. Part of the reason we developed the Christian website is because I’m sick and tired of people being hurt by Christians. The judgment is so antithetical to everything Christ taught that it’s just painful to watch sometimes. If you read through the hundreds of newsletters and posts through Celebrate Calm, I don’t think you can find any imposition of religious beliefs, judgment or guilt. If a couple wants to address the spiritual aspect of their relationship, I am completely comfortable with that. But I work routinely with people who prefer to not involve the spiritual aspect, and I’m completely comfortable with that.
I have zero interest in guilt, judgment or shame. I have 100% interest in giving couples tools to change. That’s our whole philosophy here. Tools. Tools. Tools.
- Is it worth it? Should you even try? I can’t answer that for you. I can tell you that we’ve worked with situations where there was infidelity, broken trust or just a complete lack of connection. You CAN rebuild a relationship, but it’s not easy. I believe it’s the hardest thing we’ll ever do in life. But that’s why it is also so rewarding and meaningful.
I hope that helps clarify. Stay strong, be courageous and do get the help you need from a positive source who will give you practical tools.
Kirk, thank you so much for your thoughtful response and thank you for listening to/reading so many details of my story. Your viewpoints about threats, shame and judgement are very much in line with my own viewpoints so this gives me great hope about your program. I’m going to show this webpage to my husband and see what he thinks. Sending love and light to you and all the readers on this site! Namaste!
You just described to a tee what goes on in my house…I’m 10 for 10 with your description. Sending him with the Dad’s disk this moring, I got, “I’ll try to listen to it….” He’s got a 45 minute commute…not sure how long the CD is, but it would be better spent listening to what you have to say than off color comedy on satellite radio…Resignation is the word to describe how I feel in my life as result…
Thanks to everyone for your honesty. I understand the resignation part. Here’s a great thought that will give YOU some power back over the situation. You can’t control what your spouse does (darnit!), so try to think of one way YOU can make your relationship better. What’s something YOU can change? Instead of focusing on what you don’t have (intimacy, connection, genuine concern, respect), focus on one positive aspect of your relationship you can build on.
Submission or subservience? Just wrote a new, related blog post. We address a statement I have heard hundreds of wives make that is destroying marriages: “I need help, but I can’t ask my husband. He already works so hard at his job.” This is a destructive attitude. Wives stop asking for help. They walk on eggshells and take care of everything themselves—relationships, the kids, homework, meals, the house, problems with the car. And they put a happy face on it. But it’s dishonest. It’s wrong. And it leads to simmering resentment, loneliness and pain.
Click here to read this new post and comment:
http://www.calmchristianparenting.com/submission-marriage/
Kirk, I have to thank you. I’ve been trying to get my husband to go to counseling for over a year now. I send him the link to this page, he emailed back and said, “It sounds like this guy gets it and isn’t going to judge me. I’m willing to go if we can work on new skills instead of beating each other up.” I told him he had a deal. We have a lot of work to do, there’s been damage. But I’m hopeful. I don’t want to lose our marriage. Fingers crossed and saying many prayers.
I’ve been debating writing this message because I’m a little angry. I can’t understand why NO ONE ever told me or anyone I know that marriage is incredibly hard, that it requires more skills than any job or task. Everyone just said, “You two are going to be so happy!” And so it began. But once we started having kids, things changed. I guess we reverted to our real selves. And the pattern was ugly. I ended up withdrawing, running from issues, ignoring them. My wife didn’t know how to be assertive, so she took on everything herself. She became lonely, hurt and felt dismissed. I felt misunderstood. It’s not like we planned this or set out to hurt each other. But we did.
And we almost lost our marriage. It was ugly. We thought there was no hope, thought that if the other person just died, then we could start over fresh! Ever have those thoughts?! But the truth is you’d just repeat the same patterns with another person because this isn’t about changing your spouse–it’s about changing YOU. There’s no blame, no pointing fingers. If you can come humbly and honestly, with the intention of learning new skills, you can save your relationship. It is the hardest work you’ve ever done…and the most gratifying. Know what it feels like to become a new person–able to handle conflict, to stare down the death of a marriage and fight your way back?
A number of people asked today how our Calm Couples Challenge is different from other programs. Some marriage programs view one of the essential components in terms of having the will to change, or taking a dare, or committing to something. That’s good. You can have all of those things, but if you don’t have the skills and tools to affect change, all the willpower and commitment in the world won’t matter. I wanted to be able to connect with my wife–but HOW do you do that? That’s going to be my focus.
This is about building new skills not only as a spouse, but as a person. How do you handle conflict? How do you handle bad news or difficulty? How do you carry on a conversation where you actually connect, and yet still have freedom to be yourself, have time alone and be emotionally whole?
I want to give you the tools and skills you need to be successful in your relationships. Does that make sense?
If you want to see what husbands and wives want each other to know, click on the following link:
http://celebratecalm.com/calm-couples/
Let me know how we may serve you.
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