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16 comments
Oh, oh, oh! (waving hand frantically)
Picky eating! My 10 yr old will go hungry before he tries something new or healthy. (I think it’s a combination of sensory and control issues.) The dominoes start falling – hungry kid = meltdown. But insisting on trying new foods also results in a big drama. There are very few lean proteins he’ll eat, a couple of veggies, and no fruit. It makes planning meals and packing lunches very, very difficult….
What can parents do when we take away a cell phone from our child for inappropriate use and her boyfriend buys her another one? How can we inforce “house” cell phone rules? She keeps it hid at all times. We want rid of this extra phone, we are paying on contract for the phone we bought her, but don’t want to give it back as long as she still has the other in her possession. We feel our hands are tied.
How should I handle children who talk/correct others about things like they are experts, most of which they have little knowledge of? Really gets me when they do this and are wrong!Recently realized this is one of my “triggers” and I always feel like I want to “put them in their place”, which I know doesn’t work well…
Reference email on July 28, Subject: Question, 8 1/2-year-old triplets, paying attention. Kids are in a video production camp run by local community TV station. Good camp. But Claire, Logan, and Rachel are the youngest in a group of 7, and they have to focus and work together with each other and 4 older kids to produce, shoot, edit a video this week. Camp director said Claire is doing great, but Rachel and Logan aren’t engaging, are distracted and in their own world, etc. He asked for ideas for keeping them engaged, on task, focused, etc. We did try the texture strips (Rachel calls them “fiddle sticks”) for times when they have to sit and do work that isn’t real active. But they haven’t been all that successful. I think part of the problem with Logan is that working in close proximity to his sisters drives him crazy these days (the camp director is going to try to get Logan working with the older boys in the group today). Anyway, I’d appreciate any thoughts and suggestions. M
How can we challenge our children to rise to the occasion and do their best? It’s easy to fall into the trap of lecturing, providing rewards, and using consequences! I know these approaches aren’t effective (BTDT
, but I don’t always “speak to the best in them” from the best in myself, in order to have meaningful conversations about the issues we struggle with as a family.
My 6 yr old boy is definately a high-energy, strong-willed little boy, but also very transparent and sweet. He’ll explain that his defiance and disobedience is mainly because he doesn’t WANT to do what I tell him to do (or what any authority figure says to do.) here are my questions:
1. What consequences would you suggest for a defiant child who doesn’t want to obey or assimilate the lessons/manners we try to teach him?
2. How much do you believe the computer influences a child’s subsequent attitude toward authority– I’m referring to only educational computer games and websites (PBS and reading/math sites)…? Have you seen that kids become more impatient and less compliant after having played on the computer for a while?
Thanks! I enjoyed your presentation last year in Atlanta!
Had this situation happen this morning – 8 yr old son w/ ADHD is at camp and while playing tag, he tripped and pushed a classmate to the ground scraping her up badly. (he was running after her to tag her) I was asked to pick him up immediately. To anyone else, it looked like he shoved her on purpose and then didn’t help her up or apologize immediately. I think he was a bit shocked and embarrassed by the whole thing. He is basically a clumsy, caring kid. There are only 3 days of camp left but I guess my question would be how to get people who don’t know your child to understand when it looks like I am just making excuses for him?
How do you know when to push and when not to push? We are in the middle of swim team tryouts and it is hard work and he loves swimming but maybe not competitively….But he is also the type that would sit and watch everything if i let him???? He is not whining but he doesn’t seem to love it, I guess time will tell….how do you know when to quit??
How to handle lying vs an active imagination in 6 year olds
What should I do when other people jump in to discipline my son or do so in my brief absence, especially when I don’t really agree with their methods? This happens alot! For some reason, staying calm and thinking the situation through is seen as an invitation to jump right in because the perception is that I am doing nothing or not doing enough quickly enough to their liking.
For example, this past weekend we were staying at my brother-in-law’s house for a couple days. My 8 year old commited an minor infraction of disrespect towards his cousin. I was in another room and didn’t see it, but came in to see my brother-in-law having my son stand in the corner. This is what he would have done with his own kids so he wasn’t showing favortism. I would have addressed the infraction, but differently. However, at that point, I didn’t want to turn the brief punishment into an argument so I let it go its course then spoke to my son afterwards to try to debrief him from the shock of that kind of punishment.
With people I don’t know well, I often am caught of guard by their triggered reactions to children’s behavior. I don’t feel comfortable sitting down to explain my parenting method prior to beginning a visit with my husband’s family because I don’t know them well. His parents seem to believe fairly strongly that if they had my son for a week, they could whip him into shape and that even normal childhood behavior is my son running amok from bad parenting. I am sure it looks like this when my son is a bit wilder and his cousins obey immediately out of fear of punishment. They also believe my husband should do more regarding discipline; I agree with them but don’t have in mind the kind of discipline he grew up with.
I hope you are taking new questions for your next radio show. I really appreciate the good suggestions from the last one!
Question: what is the best way for elementary school kids to get money? I’ve heard good reasons for giving a child an allowance and some for having the child earn his or her money with chores. Since he is motivated by earning money, I have also used money as a behavior incentive with a behavior chart. My husband sometimes gives him a couple bucks to do things he wants him to do without balking, I’ve given him a few bucks for being my personal trainer (motivating me to exercise and pacing me with his scooter), and my mother gives him her extra change to roll up and keep. We also developed a plan for him to grow and sell tomato plants because he was trying to sell happy meal toys in the neighborhood and was extremely frustrated with his efforts.
At this point, I wonder about having him earn money to participate in activities because it is hard enough to get him to try them (we’re still looking for his passion, but haven’t found it yet). He has shown, on his own, a propensity for saving money in a bank account. I’d like to teach him tithing, but think he would be more motivated once he’s involved in a cause or sees a need that inspires him. My husband and I are kind of at odds on this, anyway. My husband, in the spirit of Polonius, tells him never to give his money to anyone. What are your thoughts?
Background: 3 year old has sensory processing disorder. Working with OT for him. 8 year old has ADD and dyslexia. He seems to have some sensory issues, also, but they are more underlying than the 3 year old’s. (3 year old screams, throws things, bangs head into walls, etc. 8 year old just gets really baffled when there is too much information and written info does not translate for him.)
Question: How do you suggest handling the 8 year old when the 3 year old is having a meltdown? Big brother gets embarrassed and it seems to make him very anxious when he thinks his little brother is going to hurt himself or others. He seems to feel responsible for him, no matter what I do. I don’t want that for him.
THANKS!
Christie
My child is a “runner” and I don’t mean 5K runner. When he gets his feelings hurt or gets frustrated he runs away from the situation. When he is at school he ends up leaving the school. One time he got halfway to our house before the staff was able to catch up to him and stop him. We have been dealing with it by using behaviour coupons. If he makes it through the day without running he gets a coupon for various rewards (e.g. night out with mom, 15 minutes on the trampoline with Dad, read one of my favourite books, etc.). They are helping but he still seems to be running every once in a while. We have explained different ways to deal with a situation after it occurs but when the time comes he just instinctively flees. Is there any suggestions that you could make to enhance the way that we currently deal with the situation?
Although I cannot compete with frantic hand waving : ^ ) I do have an important question that I struggle with answering……
With a 10 yo with recently diagnosed bipolar and reactive attachment disorder….it is ever such a challenge to apply calm parenting (much less all other techniques we have tried) because she is so difficult to relate to and my being calm or my trying to attune and match her current mood—it draining to say the least.
She doesn’t connect most of the time. It is her way or the highway when elevated (no rules apply and parents are dumb idiots) and irritating/irritable and when she is low mood, she is irritable and ornery and doesn’t want to do anything or connect. Her mood switching multiple times each day, often without provocation or warning that we can tell yet. She is yet to have a good med mix to help her. She is frustrated, we are frustrated……the summer has been way too long.
ANd now, we have the anxiety of school issues starting to top it all off. Kirk–we need wisdom and application.
Suggestions? What did you do with children with bipolar who stayed in your home?
My 8 year-old has ADHD and Sensory Processing Disorder. We have lots of challenges with him (very interested to hear your advice for picky eaters!) but the biggest challenge is getting him to stay in his own bed. He has no problem falling asleep, but about an hour later he’s coming downstairs. We quietly go back up with him, tuck him in, and sit with him a couple of minutes until he falls asleep again. This can happen as many as 10 times in a night, but usually only 2-4 times. When he gets up after my husband and I are in bed, he tries to crawl in with us. I’m trying a new strategy — points. He gets 10 points for staying in bed all night, 5 if he gets up once, and 0 if he gets up more. The points are added to the total points he gets at therapy, which are used to purchase a small toy of his choice. I asked if I could tack this behavior onto their points plan to see if it would help. So far, in one week, he has only had one partially successful night where he only got up once — so my plan doesn’t seem to be working. He takes melatonin too, but I don’t think it helps, except when he doesn’t take it he gets up even more. The only one getting any real sleep in our house is his 7 year-old brother who shares a room with him — he sleeps through everything!
Hi Kirk,
since it was brought up by another parent, I thought I’d bring this one up also, in case you had time to address another question from me. I have taken steps to ensure less anxiety for my rising third grader during the coming year with some of your recommendations included. I have written a letter to the principal hoping to get my son assigned to a teacher who is a good match. We will go to the open house to help him adjust to what will be new. He also has an IEP which has taken some of the pressure off the areas in which he struggles. And, of course, I will try to get him back into the school routine prior to school beginning. I also volunteer at his school.
Do you have any additional suggestions to help quell his anxiety? He doesn’t like school and I keep hearing that the 3rd grade is a very demanding year. He has positive “islands” in his day that I try to get him to focus on. I also tell him in the morning what he has to look forward to after school. His anxiety ramps up now (as he anticipates only 1 month left of summer) and during the year, every Saturday or Sunday as he anticipates the coming school week. Unfortunately, I suffer from this, too as I anticipate the work week (mainly due to the workload and the ridiculously early wake-up time of 4:00 AM).
I think what colors his day is how he is getting along with peers, how many demands are put on him, the number of tasks he finds boring, generally having to follow someone else’s routine, and any redirections he gets (especially if perceived as unjustly given) which he interprets as getting in trouble with the teacher.
Thanks for your help with this!
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