Calm is not a doormat. Calm does not roll over. Calm is not passive. Calm does not ignore situations. Neither does it try to make situations go away. Calm allows me to stay engaged in the midst of ugly meltdowns and conflict. Instead of my intensity inflaming situations, I use my intensity to listen to my child (spouse), problem solve and praise instead of punish.
3 comments
I LOVE THIS MESSAGE! I’ve purchased your CD’s and I’m almost through listening to the third package of them. I’ve been trying to edge my way into encouraging my husband to listen as well but he feels ‘calm’ equals ‘passive’, ‘not in control’ (of what or whom?) and ‘weak’. I’ve already startedtrying some ideas out on my own – we have an 11 year old daughter who we adopted from State care. She identifies me with her birth-mother and holds vast amounts of anger there. Within a week I’m already seeing progress in our relationship – and this as we’ve been trying to confront her in therapy about bullying me. The contrast with the 2 methods of reaching our daughter is like night and day! Thanks for the Calm. I’ll use this quote and hope to pass it along. kh
Good for you, KH! Threatening, yelling and intimidation produce outward compliance and fear. Learning to control yourself and discipline calmly shows children how to control themselves. When I am calm, I am fully engaged and I have more authority because my kids know I’m not about to lose it. Will write more on this later.
Here’s what I would do with your hubby. One evening, bring all of your parenting books and CDs into the living room and spread them out. “Honey, I know that the one thing you want more than anything is for the kids to respect you. See all of these books and CDs? I’m reading and listening to everything, but I only want you to listen to this one for now. It’s just for Dads and it’s about 10 Ways to Get the Respect & Authority You Want. All you have to do is listen on your way to and from work.”
He’ll gulp when he sees all the resources you are consuming…so when you ask him to listen to just ONE CD, it will be a relief
Casey and I speak directly to Dads in guy language so they understand why the “It’s My Way or the Highway” approach ruins their authority. Keep up the great work and keep modeling it for hubby!
Which CD is Kirk referring to when he speaks about 10 ways to get respect respect & authority. My husband and I are struggling with our 17 year son who is very strong willed. I am fairly easy going and my husband needs to feel he has control over our kids (4). He thinks that our very different parenting styles have caused problems with our son. I have learned that if I ask our son nicely to do something, he will do what he is asked (90% percent of the time). If I “tell” him to do something (without adding an “OK?”, I usually get little or no response. My husband and son are both strong willed and as a result, it is a very tense situation in our home at times.
Thanks!
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