Q&A
You are a great Mom.
You are a great Mom. No, this is not pandering or empty praise. We don't do that here. If you are a Mom reading our newsletter, then you are challenged each week to grow personally. It isn't easy, but you've taken on the challenge. The fact that you are reading this means you're investing your limited time to become a more mature person and parent.
Forgive me as this won't be as polished as I want, but the message is important. Let's blow several myths up and internalize these truths:
1) Expectations of Moms are simply ridiculous. You can't do it all. The sad part is that many Moms allow societal expectations to shape their view of themselves. You have to fight this, Moms. Do not compare yourself. Don't give in to this idealized vision of Moms you see on TV. Angelina Jolie has an entire team of people to help her look like a movie star and mother who has it all together (okay, maybe not all together, but you get the point).
2) Being a great Mom doesn't mean your kids are well-behaved all the time, or even most of the time. If you have kids who aren't exploring, wrestling and messing up the house rather routinely (no, I don't mean kids totally out of control without any boundaries or discipline), then something is wrong with your kids. Kids are supposed to act like kids. They are supposed to push the limits, try new things, explore, color outside the lines, poke things and people. We need to encourage that curiosity, not demand 24/7 compliance.
3) It's
not your fault! Yesterday, a really great Mom sent me this message
because her daughter is a picky eater. "I am up
late because it is on my mind and bothering me. I am going over all the
ways I have caused this to happen...how this is all my fault."
Do not beat yourself up over
things like this. This is not your fault. Neither is it your fault that your
child is bossy, struggles socially, has difficulty focusing on boring subjects,
leaves a mess wherever he goes, can't seem to find anything, etc.
Could you please do something simple to encourage this Mom? Join our Facebook page and post a quick
note if you have a picky eater. I want this Mom-and others like
her-to know how many of us struggle with picky eaters.
4) You are not responsible for your child's behavior. You are not responsible for your child's happiness. Your child is.
"I was journaling to get it off my mind and what
came out was 'if she would eat better I would feel like a better mom. My
success as a mom depends on her eating behavior.'"
DO NOT base your Mommy goodness on your child's behavior or happiness. It is impossible to control the behavior of another human being. This is a huge trap because we're basing our feelings on what someone else does. Please listen to CD #4 on the Parenting set: we will show you how to get your kids to be responsible for themselves...and relieve you from your guilt!
5) How
do YOU behave when your kids misbehave? Our job as parents isn't really
measured by how kids act. Rather, it's how WE respond when they act up. Are you
able to stay calm when your kids get wound up? Or do you respond by yelling? So
many homes are characterized by negativity, power struggles and stress. We want
to help you enjoy peace and calm!
We know this is incredibly hard, the hardest thing we've ever done. How can you
actually be a calm rock when your kids are out of control? We want to show you
how.
A final note: You're a great Mom because when everything else is said and done, the love and commitment you have to your kids is surpassed by no one. You're the one who stays up all night with a sick child, the one who becomes the protective lion when someone tries to harm your child. You love your kids beyond description (even when you don't like them sometimes!) and are the glue that holds your family together. So give yourself a pat on the back. Take some time to yourself. And laugh. At your kids. At your ridiculous expectations of yourself!
This Will Save You Many Battles...
There are at least eighteen different things our kids do that are misunderstood. These misunderstandings cause us to make wrong assumptions, trigger negative responses from kids and spiral into emotional battles. No one wins, everyone loses. Here is one common example.
We're in Indianapolis at a Workshop and a really great, involved Mom poses this question: "My son doesn't ever listen and doesn't like to be told what to do." I saw her son begin to object (naturally!) so I asked for an example. "We golf together and when I see my son making a mistake, I try to show him what he needs to do differently. I'm just trying to help."
Because I am very much like "our kids," I knew this wasn't the real issue. So I gave the pre-adolescent boy the floor for clarification. In his very analytical, direct way, he said, "I want you to point out my mistake, but want to figure out how to fix it Imyself."
Ahhhh, now there's some insight that changes everything! If we don't understand our kids, here's how the discussion goes.
Mom: "Daniel, your feet, hips and shoulders aren't lined up parallel. It's causing you to slice..."
"Okay, got it, Mom."
"No, I don't think you do because you keep..."
"Thanks, Mom. I'll work on it."
"Here, Daniel, let me show you how..."
"Mooooom!"
[cue the ten minute parent lecture] "You know what, Daniel? I pay a lot of money and give up a lot of my time to come here with you, and this is all I get. Why won't you listen to me? Do you know how long I've been playing? I just want to help you be the best golfer you can be."
"Stop. Please!"
"You know, a little gratitude would be nice."
Daniel walks off. "Forget it, I'm done today."
"Daniel, I will not let you quit. If you walk away, you are going to lose..."
"Whatever!"
"You will not talk to me like that, young man..."
The Mom's intentions are good. Her son has said that he wants to make the golf team and she's trying to help him. So why does it end up feeling so awful, why do we end up feeling resentful after all we do?
It often comes back to two common culprits:
1) Anxiety. Anxiety is causing this Mom to lecture, press too much, be responsible for her son's actions, feel pressure to make sure her son is successful, become resentful, react, make threats and get into a power struggle. See how easy it is to fall into those traps? We begin the day with a nice outing, and by the end, we're driving home in silence, fuming, separated emotionally from our child.
Do you know that you are not responsible for your child's happiness and responses? If you don't know how to deal with this, you'll sabotage your relationships.
2) Not understanding our kids. We think our kids are lazy when sometimes they just need tools to complete an assignment; we think they are defiant when it's really anxiety and fear; we think they are undisciplined when it's really a lack of purpose. This Mom's assumption was that her son doesn't like to be told what to do. It carries a negative connotation.
My response? Be thankful you have a child who wants to problem solve, who isn't just a follower, who can think independently. This is a kid who wants to figure it out on his own, wants some ownership , to be responsible for his own golf swing. Isn't that what we really want? YES! We will be announcing a special Conference (Survive the Earthquake: 10 Lies & 10 Secrets That Determine a Child's Success) shortly that will completely change your thinking. It's going to be broadcast by satellite internationally-that's how important it is to understand our kids and celebrate these great qualities.
When we control our anxiety and understand our kids, the situation sounds like this:
"Daniel, your feet, hips and shoulders aren't lined up parallel. It's causing you to slice..."
"Okay, got it, Mom."
"I'm going to go practice my short game while you work on that. Call me if you need me." Mom walks away and controls herself, enjoying some down time working on her putting and chip shots. Or she goes to the Clubhouse and has a drink (kidding).
A little while later, Daniel calls her over. "Mom, come here. I want to show you something." Daniel hits a good shot with proper form.
"Wow, very nice."
Daniel then explains, in great detail of course, how HE fixed the problem. It isn't the way his Mom would have done it, but it works. (Big insight there).
"I'm really proud of you for being persistent and coming up with that solution, Daniel. Wanna play nine?"
"Ready to lose, Mom?!"
Your success as a parent-and your enjoyment as a person-will largely rest on your answer to these questions: Do you and your spouse understand your kids inside and out, or do they leave you feeling confused and frustrated? Can you control your own anxiety? Or does it cause you to lecture, have power struggles and put pressure on your kids? Do you ever feel resentful toward your kids or spouse?
Q: Why does my son make things so difficult?
A: It's always funny at Workshops when I ask parents if their children complete tasks the difficult way on purpose—the groans are audible. You ask your daughter to simply sweep the floor, and she has to stick the broom behind her back and through her legs and walk backwards. Any child can sit on the chair with all four legs on the floor-our kids prefer to sit leaning back on two legs, or suspended on one for the more adventurous.
I show parents and teachers how students often prefer to complete schoolwork while balancing on an exercise ball or swinging. The question is always the same: "Isn't that really difficult?"
That's the point. Remember, the traffic cop in their brain is asleep and needs to be woken up (i.e. stimulated). That's why our kids—and many of us as adults—make things more challenging or difficult. It's more engaging that way. If it's too easy, we'll just ignore it. So make chores a challenge, think of ways to make more mundane homework and classwork more difficult. Make it a game, don't be afraid to try strange things—I bet your kids will come up with some fun challenges. No, I mean it. Try it sometime!
Q: My son lies inverted with his head hanging off the sofa watching TV. It drives me up the wall. What can I do about this?
A: Don't watch him. Seriously. Why does it matter that he watches television that way? We've had over 1,200 kids come through our home over the years, and I can name at least a couple hundred who reclined in funny positions while doing homework, drawing or talking. They are just meeting their sensory needs and it gives them order in their bodies-it feels good and doesn't bother anyone. Except us :0 Relax, I am sure there are bigger issues to think about!
Besides, I bet if you ask him to read upside down while falling off the sofa, he'll enjoy that better. Stick math homework in his hands and say, “I bet you can’t do your homework upside down!” And watch him rise to the challenge.
5 Quick Tips from a Dad-Homework, anxiety, exercise
Dear Kirk,
Sorry I'm finally getting around to writing this. I wanted to let you know a
few ways we've used your program, because I thought it might help some other
families who find themselves in the same situation.
We have four children from 6-15 (two are very intense) and every time we've
read your newsletter it seemed like you were talking directly to us and about
us. So we decided that we'd already spent thousands on tutoring and testing and
who knows what else, so after receiving your free advice for a couple years, we
decided it was time to pony up.
I have to say I wasn't really up for listening to all the CDs. It's a lot of
information, but I decided to keep them in the car and listen as I commuted.
And I got something out of them all, even the marriage ones. I can think of
five ways off the top of my head that we've changed as a family.
Lesson 1: Do the opposite.
I'm learning to do the opposite of what my old reactions tell me what to do.
Instead of yelling, I sit down and talk softly. Instead of demanding, I ask
questions. Instead of telling my kids everything they've done wrong, I tell
them everything they're doing right. I am learning that what you say is true:
the best way to see my kids change is for me to change first. It's working,
Kirk, I'm seeing changes.
Lesson 2: Provide specific, concrete tasks to combat anxiety.
The part on anxiety was spot on. You nailed my older son--he never likes to try
any new activity, even though once he gets there he likes it. We signed him up
for a Tae Kwon Do class and went through your specific steps. We went a couple
weeks before class began, met the instructor who turned out to be a great guy.
I talked to him and he gave Jacob a great "mission"--he asked if
Jacob could come early and help him teach the younger kids. Jacob hasn't missed
a class. You should see his face light up when he's helping Mr. Yon. You don't
know how many classes we had signed him up for and then backed out on. For this
alone, thank you, thank you.
Lesson 3: Do homework after exercise and a good experience.
Jacob feels so good after the Tae Kwon Do class that we used your tip and began
doing his most difficult thinking work after class, when his brain is
stimulated and he's relaxed. The best part is that Jacob is learning how HE
learns and works best, which I think will serve him well when he eventually
goes out on his own. That's what I like about this program--you don't just tell
us what to do, you help our kids understand themselves and WHY they work best.
The kids have talked to their teachers about the "Traffic Cop" in
their brains and two teachers have thanked us for sharing the Brain Boosters
with them. It's like a light bulb goes on once you explain how the kids' brains
work. It's been a good way for the kids to take some ownership over their
school work.
Lesson 4: Put homework in your kids' court/ equip them with tools.
The Brain Boosters are really good, by the way, you need to push these more.
I've never heard 90% of what you talk about, but it works not only for our more
challenging kids but also for our other two as well. One of the best parts of
the program is the information on homework time. We used to be the ones who
stood over our kids, rushing them, demanding they sit at the table and work.
Homework time is completely different now. We don't hover, don't demand, don't
get all stressed. Each of my kids does homework in a different way and they
feel like it's theirs now, not ours. A couple use exercise balls, the oldest
listens to her iPod and they all eat a snack while working.
The idea that we aren't responsible for our kids' homework was a new one. It's
hard not to get anxious about it and some nights are still rough, but we're
working on it and I think the kids like the independence. Maybe it's the trust
they feel?
Lesson 5: The greatest gift you can give your family is free.
For the Marriage CDs (which I very reluctantly listened to!) here's what I took
from them: The greatest gift to my wife is that she can trust me at home alone
with the kids now and not walk on eggshells when I get home. I watch the kids
one night each week while she goes out with friends, sits at Starbucks or I
think she just drives around alone not sure what to do with herself. It's
really helped her, Kirk, and you're right. She's a different person after she's
had some time alone. The house isn't always pretty when she gets home, I'm
working on that. But the kids are happy and it's become a good bonding time for
us. I know she doesn't have to "manage" me and my emotions anymore.
I could probably ramble on for awhile, but we wanted to say bless you for the
tools you've given us. We're really changing and it feels good.
Dan H. and Family, Utica, NY
Final thought: Do you want 2010 to be different? Instead of waiting for
everyone else and circumstances to change, let's begin by changing ourselves.
Then no matter what is going on around us, WE can become the calm and change
our environment by bringing calm into every situation.
It's hit me lately that the investment we are making is generational-not just
in the moment. We are breaking generational habits of anxiety, anger and
yelling. So your investment now will be paying dividends in your children's and
grandchildren's lives for decades to come. That's cool.
Q: My daughter will wrestle with anyone she can find. Should I try to have her do more lady-like activities?
A: I have a few questions for you. Does your daughter like climbing trees? Jumping on the trampoline? Doing gymnastics? Riding horses? Does she tend to cuddle up next to you or prefer lots of blankets at night?
Q: Yes on the trees, trampoline, horses and blankets. She has said before she wanted to do gymnastics, but we haven't been able to fit the classes in. How do you know all this about her, this is weird?
A: I assure you it isn't weird. In fact, it should be comforting. It means we've worked with a few hundred kids who share many of the same traits. This means your daughter isn't strange or different. Think about all these activities-what need is she meeting?
Q: Is it pressure or stimulation?
A: Bonus points for you! Yes, all of these activities provide pressure on your daughter's joints and muscles-and it feels really good! Kids who have sensory needs tend to feel a lack of order in the bodies, so this pressure and stimulation helps them feel settled (think how much sensory input your body gets from scratching and clawing, clutching and grabbing tree bark).
We cover sensory needs as the third step in the Brain Boosters curriculum because it's critical to meet these sensory needs to improve learning. You may want to consult an Occupational Therapist (O.T.), my favorite people in the entire world. They are great with kids, extremely positive and very practical.
Meeting sensory needs before school, before homework time and in the evening (no wrestling right before bed, Dads!) will help with attention, focus, behavior, homework and sleep. We play the steamroller game with kids and they love it. Come to a workshop and I'll show you what I mean.
Q: My daughter seems to have more anxiety since I've been pregnant. She's acting up and I don't know what to do.
A. Anytime a child feels anxious, we like to apply the same principles. Whether you are moving, having a new baby or trying a new class, the root need for the child is order—it gives them security.
1. Always use their natural gifts, talents and passions. This builds confidence and a sense of purpose.
2. Focus her energy on purposeful missions-projects that she can throw her energy into.
3. Give her ownership. Everything else is out of her control now, so help her feel like she owns something.
4. Focus on helping others. It is difficult to be unhappy or anxious when you are focused on helping those who are less fortunate than you.
Could she volunteer for a charity, raise money or use her gifts and talents at school or church somehow? She needs to have a focus that is hers.
I'd also ask her to help plan for the new baby. Can she help pick out the colors of the baby's room or help decorate? Choose a list of baby names? Can she help take care of the younger sibling and earn a little money? So rather than competition, she has some responsibility instead.
I THOUGHT IT WAS MY WIFE'S FAULT/ I LIKE THE NEW DAD
I received this email and was so moved by it, I asked if I could share it with
you. It's very inspiring!
Kirk, A couple months ago, my wife attended your Workshop and was so
enthused that she purchased your CDs. I was furious. I didn't think we needed
help. My kids needed to listen and my wife needed to be more strict.
So I came to your next workshop ready to confront you and give your CDs back. I
sat on the front row with my arms folded because I wanted you to know that you
couldn't teach me anything. I was still fuming about the $500 my wife spent.
But then you told your story, and it hit home. That's how I was raised and I
thought I had all the answers. I could make our three kids cower and be obedient
by intimidating them. All they needed to do was buckle down in school and learn
self-discipline. When you described how you used to goad Casey into a fight, I
felt something crumble inside. I was teaching my kids how to have tantrums and
lose it when things didn't go their way. I was too busy controlling everyone
else because I couldn't control myself.
For the last two months, I have listened to your CDs almost daily. The change
in our family has been nothing short of miraculous. We've eliminated 99% of the
defiance, not by controlling our kids, but by controlling ourselves. Last
night, we were actually enjoying a dinner together even though everyone wasn't
perfect, and my youngest son blurted out, "I like the new Dad." It
completely destroyed me in a good way. I have to say, "I like the new Dad,
too."
I also need to thank you for saving my marriage. We thought it was lost, we
couldn't even really talk or be in the same room together. Don't downplay the
marriage stuff, it's dead on.
I know you won't mind me giving your CDs a thumbs up, but I mean this
sincerely. That $500 we spent saved us thousands of dollars, but more
importantly you've given me my relationships back and my kids have a Dad they
can be proud of and respect. Thank you for what you do, for sharing your own
personal story. It's made a huge difference in our family.
John Z., Chicago, IL
Q: My son will get upset and call his sister mean names. I've tried talking
him through it, explaining how it isn't right to hurt someone's feelings. We've
done timeouts and I've yelled. Nothing works. Help us!
A: First, children who call names usually lack self-confidence. They resort to
tearing others down to make themselves feel superior. Please do not miss this,
though: the person being bullied needs to demonstrate self-confidence and
self-respect as well. This goes for the sister in this example and Moms who
often get bullied at home by grumpy kids.
Second, your son is enjoying the reaction he is getting from you and your
daughter. Your reactions give him power and he's clearly enjoying that. Third,
lectures and empty threats mean nothing to him. Fourth, your son needs to learn
how to calm himself. Once he learns to stay calm when disappointed or upset, he
will not resort to calling names, throwing tantrums or causing general
upheaval.
1. Build your child's self-confidence by using his gifts, talents and passions
to help others. Children who have a vision for the future and feel content
because they have purposeful missions in their lives are not as apt to pick on
others. The holidays are a great time to focus on projects that help needy
children. Does your child have more positive activities in his life than
negative?
2. Help your son get his stimulation from completing very specific projects in
which he can be successful, instead of seeking stimulation from reactions. Have
a focus for your kids' energy over the Christmas break. Projects are great,
especially if they have a purpose such as making money or helping someone.
3. Show self-respect. I give credit for this brilliant example to a
nine-year-old girl named Amanda in California. Here's what her Mom told me.
"My daughter is often the target of my son who has ADHD. We were listening
to your CDs together and my daughter said, 'That's it, Mom. I'm not going to
give my power to Davis when he insults me. I'm going to stay calm and control
myself.' Amanda has followed through and it put an end to it."
Wow, Amanda is spot on. So how do we do this in practical ways?
When your son comes downstairs and begins hurling insults, siblings and parents
can say in a calm, matter-of-fact way, "Hey, Ethan, you can talk that way
if you want, but as long as you do, you're on your own. I'd rather be [playing
catch] [drawing] [building Legos] with you, though."
"Ethan, when you're ready to apologize for calling me names, I'll help you
out with breakfast. Until then, I've got things to do." Moms, please let
your kids know that you have a life, too, that is just as important as theirs.
You are NOT their servant and you do not owe them your attention or help when
they disrespect you. Calm is not a doormat; calm shows self-respect and is
assertive.
"Ethan, I know you think you're trying to hurt my feelings by calling me
names. The thing is, I know I'm not stupid and I'm not ugly. You're not going
to control my emotions-I won't give you that power." Then get up and
calmly walk away. This is Amanda showing self-respect and confidence.
4. Model calm. In order to change behavior, you must first model the behavior. Want
your son to stay calm and not get upset when he loses a game? Are Mom and Dad
staying calm even when things go wrong in the home? Are you respecting
yourselves and not giving in to taunts?
5. Make it visual. Long lectures typically don't accomplish anything. Make a
heart shape out of construction paper. Every time your son says something
hurtful, your daughter can grab the heart and tear a piece off. She can drop it
on the floor or silently hand it to your son, then walk away. No lecture, no
yelling, no response. Just a visual that will tell the story.
6. Teach your child to calm himself. We've covered this a lot lately so I won't
repeat it here. But your children need tools. Build your child's confidence and
model calm and self-respect. Instead of you being the referee, give your kids
tools to control their own behavior. How great would that be?!
How One Family Broke Generational Traps. "Kirk, I feel like we've
given our kids the best gift we can ever give them. Our home was always chaotic
and my own OCD issues made it worse. It was a big investment for us and I was
scared this was one more thing that wouldn't work, but the CDs have become
something our family does together. We talk about them and they are always on
in one of our cars or a kids' iPod. They have literally changed our family's
life and the way I look at it, the $500 I spent is paying dividends in our
lives for the next 40 years and more. I know my kids aren't going to fall into
the same pitfalls we did, so you're literally changing generations of bad
patterns in our family. I can't thank you enough. And my kids said they want to
meet you and Casey the next time you come to Minnesota!"
The Webster family (kids ages 3, 5, 9, 14), Eden Prairie, MN
Q: My son is afraid of storms. What can we do?
This is VERY common. Many of our kids have irrational fears that interrupt sleep, prevent them from trying new activities, etc.
So let's think this through because you know the answer. What causes us the most anxiety in life? When we feel powerless, when we can't do anything, when things are out of our control. Just talking through the fear rationally will not help. So let's attack the issue head on.
This idea is a terrific one and it comes to you from a ten-year-old boy in Wisconsin who listened to the CDs with his Mom. His Mom challenged him to come up with a plan to overcome his anxiety. He came up with a brilliant idea we've used with many kids.
Have your son take pictures of approaching storms. Encourage him to use his creativity-lying on the ground looking up, taking pictures from different angles. Create a scrapbook with details about the storms. Besides potentially developing a latent talent, you will be building a history. By actively tracking storms, your son will see over time that none of the storms have hurt him or your family. Have him share his pictures-and even write short captions or stories about them-in school. He can become the Severe Weather Expert in his class. Familiarity and specific, purposeful missions always counter anxiety. So give this a try. And if your child has other fears, apply the principles to your situation.
Q: Why are your CD’s so expensive?
All of our programs require an investment of time, finances and emotion. Quick fixes and magic pills are illusions and we don’t believe in band-aids. The insight and strategies we share through our CD’s are the culmination of a decade of extremely hard work and valuable insight—gained by working with over 1,500 intense children who have lived in our home with us. This insight is combined with the latest understanding of the human brain, provided by partnerships with world-renowned researchers and scientists.
As thousands of parents and teachers have told us, absolutely no one has ever understood their children like we do. The most common affirmation we hear is this, “We feel like you’ve been living in our home because you’ve described our child and home life perfectly.”
Without this insight, it is impossible to create lasting transformation. The CD’s provide over 100 insights and strategies that are proven to work. Most parents tell us they have spent hundreds and even thousands of dollars on therapy that has provided little value. That’s because most therapy attempts to force our kids to achieve an arbitrary “normal” standard—and it backfires, causing your child to feel inferior and like a failure.
Simply put, the CD’s are expensive because they are worth every penny and more. If you could stop the arguing and restore peace to your home, what would that be worth? If you could stop fighting in the morning or at bedtime, make homework time less stressful and get your kids to be responsible for themselves, how much would that be worth?
For less than the cost of a couple doctor’s visits, you can have hours and hours of insight at your command—you can listen to the CD’s over and over, put them in your spouse’s car and have your kids listen as well. A child who understands how he or she is wired can take control of his/her life and be wildly successful.
Q: My son has been aggressive at school lately. Any clues what is going on?
Check his diet for changes lately—food dyes, high fructose corn syrup, artificial sweeteners, MSG, preservatives and other chemicals in food can cause changes in behavior. Obviously, check to see if medications have changed or if there has been more anxiety in your home lately.
But here's my hunch. Most of our kids, despite the popular misconception, are not aggressive nor do they have bad intentions. I'd say 70% of the time when I see an aggressive child, it's due to sensory issues. Their brains do no process sensory input properly and are looking for sensory pressure. So they often hug too hard. In the absence of getting sensory needs met through positive means such as physical exercise, jumping on a trampoline, climbing trees or specific sensory exercises (more on that in a separate newsletter!), they will seek pressure by bumping into and wrestling with classmates. What looks like aggression is often sensory seeking behavior. As with all kids, I want to begin the day with vigorous exercise, especially activities that meet those sensory needs BEFORE getting to school.
On a related note, many kids have personal space issues that sometimes manifest as inappropriate touching. Again, meet the sensory needs in the morning. Role play what is appropriate and what isn't. Some parents have videotaped it so their kids can SEE what they are doing. People-watch at a park or playground; eat a snack with your son while you watch other kids play together. Have him point out what is appropriate and what isn't. Give praise for the positive interactions.
Q: How can we help our kids/students learn more effectively in school and during homework time?
Perhaps no subject causes parents and teachers more consternation than homework and schoolwork. Teachers see bright children who appear not to be applying themselves. Parents are exasperated as 45 minutes of homework turns into a three-hour battle of tears and defiance. There is a better way.
In our Workshops and on the CD's, we talk about developing the internal motivation to do work, the larger implications and provide dozens of recommendations. But for the purposes of this newsletter, I want to provide a few insights and strategies to help students learn more effectively.
Let's begin with some Brain Booster™ facts about our kids' brains:
Brain activity: The prefrontal cortex is the meeting planner in the brain, responsible for critical executive function skills such as attention, planning, follow through and impulse control. Unfortunately, this part of the brain often receives less blood flow and is under-stimulated. This "traffic cop" responsible for directing traffic in our kids' brains is asleep.
As I observe students in classrooms (and recall my own reactions to long corporate meetings), I see students' bodies naturally trying to wake up this traffic cop in their brain. Just think what medications our kids usually take—stimulants. So when our kids fidget, doodle and move around, they are providing a natural solution versus the artificial stimulant of medications. Fascinating, huh?
When you force a child to sit still and his body is craving movement naturally, he will spend all that time preoccupied with moving and not hear anything you say. All the energy and concentration that you want on the lesson is instead put into not moving.
3 Science-Based Methods to Improve Learning
(1) Multi-sensory stimulation (engaging multiple senses at the same time) improves attention and retention. Research studies show that rubbing textured objects improves concentration.
(2) Movement anchors learning in the brain; it makes learning "stick." Brain-based learning allows for greater brain growth because both sides of the brain are activated.
(3) Using rhythm activates memory and improves learning.
Applications in the classroom:
So how can we apply this insight in the classroom? The beauty of our Brain Boosters™ curriculum is that we take you inside 45 actual classrooms across the country—in every different kind of school-to learn from other teachers. Here are six recommendations from teachers who have used the Brain Boosters™ CD's:
· A teacher in Grand Rapids decided to rethink Circle Time. Instead of sitting first thing in the morning, her class now has circle time standing up outside in the fresh air. They do simple exercises in place while sharing stories. The children who need to move more can do so and participation has increased dramatically, while constant redirection has been eliminated.
· A teacher in North Carolina had her class create the texture strips you've seen on our website videos. She has observed that roughly a third of the class rubs these strips at one time or another throughout the day, without bothering other students.
· Instead of sitting in groups, middle schools students in one Minnesota classroom must discuss and plan projects while moving-some groups swing, some color with sidewalk chalk, others listen to music together. She says the kids love it and she has very few issues now in class.
· A teacher in Austin, Texas trusts more energetic students to lead exercises in-between subjects: they play Simon Says, hangman and mind-twisters.
· A high school teacher in California has his students take turns developing quizzes for the class. The kids are more engaged and actively learning.
· A teacher in Colorado has experimented with providing the following stimulation during tests: allowing students to have a "brain food" snack (which stimulates the brain, relieves anxiety and promotes rhythm); playing music softly in the background; and letting students rub pieces of velcro.
Above all, be positive and prime your students for success! Empower and challenge your students to determine more effective ways to learn. I bet their solutions will amaze you.
Applications at homework time:
This is going to be challenging for those of you who were raised to sit and do your homework at the table, for those whose brains are very linear and logical. Remember, our goal is to find what works best for our kids. And when we do, though it may be annoying at first, I promise it will work out best for you as well!
Without a doubt, the most gratifying part of this past year has been hearing from KIDS who have taken ownership of their homework time. We challenge them to listen to the CD's, understand how their brains are wired and then develop more effective ways to get their homework done. Look what our amazing kids have come up with:
· Peter decided that he wanted to review his math facts while his Dad threw passes to him with the football. They now see how many passes out of 25 they can complete every morning before school. Dad says it's good bonding time, too, and begins the day on a positive note.
· Alex balances himself on an exercise ball while using his bed for a desk.
· Morgan is one of several students who now enjoy "Swing School," doing homework to the rhythm of the swing. Of course it's more difficult to read while swinging—that's the point!
· Jacob told his parents that by the end of the day, "my brain feels like an 800-lb. gorilla sat on it all day." His solution? He does his homework in the morning, standing at the kitchen island while his Dad makes breakfast and he eats. His Dad said that at first this really bugged him because he likes to get everything done early, but it seems to work for Jacob.
· Dylan, Skylar, Anna and many others have apparently been inspired by my son Casey's example: they sit on their knees, chewing on their hoodie sweatshirt tassles, listening to music on their iPods. Some light a candle for olfactory stimulation, others chew on brain food rather than their tassles.
· Kids everywhere are learning more effectively by thinking while jumping on the trampoline, standing on their head, doing gymnastics, shooting baskets, jumping rope, etc.
This is just the beginning—we'll be sharing more on learning and making homework time more productive and less stressful. Parents, challenge your own assumptions. Experiment. Most of all, empower your kids to take charge of their homework time.
Dear Mom and Dad,
I want you to know what it's like to be me.
My brain runs like a washing machine powered by a Ferrari engine. It runs all the time and it runs fast, churning and tumbling ideas like shirts and pants and socks mixed together.
I can be talking to you and having another conversation running inside my head. I can be in class listening to the teacher, but be fully engaged in a daydream about Legos or hearing a new song on my guitar.
You know how I sometimes repeat questions? It's not that I didn't hear your answer. It's just that in the second between the time I asked and you responded, I went somewhere interesting in my mind.
Sometimes I have so many thoughts swimming inside my head that I just blurt things out because I'm afraid I will forget them.
I kind of like all this energy inside my head because I can keep myself entertained in there by myself. But other times I feel scattered and like there's not much order up in my brain. Everything's swirling. That's why I like things to be just so and I why I need to know what we're doing all the time. It's why I end up wearing or eating the same things. New things freak me out a bit because I don't know what to expect, so please don't be mad at me when I'm anxious.
I want to do well in school. But sometimes the ideas in my head are so strong or interesting, and when I follow them even for a few seconds, I fall behind. And once I'm lost in class, sometimes I figure I may as well just keep thinking about these ideas. It's like they call to me to work on them and see them through.
This is hard to explain, but sometimes I feel my body screaming to me to move and like I need contact, to push up against something. It makes me feel better inside. I'll be sitting in class and if I haven't gotten any exercise, I feel like I'm about to explode. But then I know my teacher will get upset if I get up, so I sit there kind of frozen, not sure what to do. I promise I don't get in trouble on purpose.
Okay, I was lying. Sometimes I do get in trouble on purpose. I like to get the reaction from people when I'm bored. It wakes my brain up. And if I'm really bored or my body is screaming at me, I'll get in trouble just so I can get out of class to walk down the hall. It's such a relief. But then I feel bad later and I know everyone is mad at me.
I don't expect you to understand this, but little things just bother me. I'm not making it up to be difficult, I promise, so please don't be mad at me when I tell you some place smells really bad or I have to change my socks or it's too loud and I have to leave the room. I know you get tired of fixing the same thing for me to eat, but a lot of foods just don't feel right and it feels like I'm going to gag. I'll try better.
Sometimes being a kid is tough for me. I'd rather be doing grown up stuff, I'd rather hang out with adults and older kids. I get bored with kid stuff pretty easily. It's like I have an adult brain and ideas stuck inside a kid's body. That's why I like to hang out with Uncle Tom and work down at Mr. Brown's shop with him-he gives me grown up jobs and trusts me. And he always says I do a good job for him, and that makes me feel good.
There's something inside me that says if I can just get through childhood, I'm going to make a great adult one day. I'll be a good Dad because I know what it feels like to hurt as a kid and be misunderstood. And I know I don't always do great in school, but I have good ideas and I can work at something really hard when I'm passionate about it. I don't have any fear of the future, it's just the present that isn't much fun.
Okay, I know I say I'm all grown up and everything in some ways, but things hurt me more than you think. I know you guys are trying really hard and I'm difficult, but I kind of know that everyone wishes I were different. I see the way Grandma and Grandpa treat Adam and Grace different than me. You know all those little comments you guys make, the way Dad shakes his head in disapproval, the way Mom groans and all those hushed conversations you have with the teacher, therapist and principal? I know what it means. I know people think I'm a bad kid because I don't always behave like my brother and sister or the other kids.
That's why I like hanging out with Buster a lot, because he likes me the way I am because I give him lots of attention and take him on walks. And that's why I like to play video games and be alone sometimes. It's like my heart can only take so much and then I have to withdraw a little bit.
I know I don't get invited to birthday parties like they Adam and Grace. It used to really hurt me, but in some ways I like not having a lot of friends. It's partly by choice, because I'm pretty content inside actually.
I like who I am, but it's tough when no one else seems to. Why does everyone want to change who I am? I'm not unhappy with myself-I'm uneasy because since I can remember, everyone around me has been so negative and tried to fix what they think is wrong with me.
You want me to talk more, but you just psychoanalyze me. Besides, it's difficult to express my thoughts and feelings verbally-they just get jumbled up. I'd rather express them in my writing and music. I want you to know that I feel things deeply, I do. I hurt with the kids who get left out, and one day I'm going to help those kids. I know how it feels.
I know you get concerned because I stay up late at night and don't sleep much. But I like it when it's quiet. I can hear my thoughts better. And my world is peaceful then.
Mom and Dad, don't worry about me. I may not do great in school or be the most popular kid, but I'm content inside. I like the way my brain works, I like my energy. If everyone would stop trying to fix me, I'd be okay.
Let me focus on the things I love doing. Drawing, building, playing music. Please stop trying to make me be like everyone else. I like who I am. Do you?
Thank you for all you do for me. You think I don't appreciate it, but I do. I know I'm not exactly the way you want me to be or the kid you expected, but I'm going to be good as an adult and you'll be proud of me then.
Love,
Your son
Understand Your Kids Inside & Out/ Empower Your Kids
I'll say this softly and let it go. We, all of us, need to understand our kids inside and out. That is the only way we can develop strategies that will work, so that we can have content, successful kids and peaceful homes and classrooms.
That's the beauty of the CD's to me. Besides giving you and their teachers deep insight, they are extremely validating for our kids and help them understand themselves better.
Q: I have difficulty getting my 6-year-old to school on time; it is like pulling teeth for him to focus on getting dressed, etc.
Another time, we can devote an entire newsletter to our morning strategies, but try this sometime. Let your son sleep in his clothes the night before. So when he gets up, he's all ready for school. It will relieve his anxiety and he may even sleep more soundly. You'll have to control your own anxiety and OCD tendencies because other parents will look at you funny when Mr. Wrinkled comes to school every morning.
Honestly, my number one goal every morning is to begin the day with a positive interaction with my son and wife. When I wake Casey up, I sit next to him in bed, playfully pat his bottom or his head gently, ask him something about guitars/flying planes/his favorite band and then invite him to eat breakfast with me. I would rather have some relaxed time to talk and eat together, than spend the morning nagging about hair, teeth and clothes. More on this later, but I bet your son will love the idea of sleeping in his clothes. He's a little kid, who cares what he looks like? I want his heart and insides to be relaxed and unwrinkled, not his clothes.
Q: My son is complaining of stomach aches now at school. Any idea what's up with that?
I used to have stomach aches in middle school almost every day. I had my own bed in the nurse's office. I didn't know it then, but stomach aches are almost always related to anxiety. The best prescription for anxiety is for a positive teacher at school to give your son a specific job or responsibility so that he feels needed and helpful, has a place to focus his energy and anxiety, and an opportunity to be successful in school.
This is why it is critical that you listen to the CD's with your kids and explain what's happening inside them. My son now knows when his stomach is upset that it's usually anxiety. Once he knows it's anxiety, he can then address the root cause of the anxiety. Very powerful.
Q: What do you do when your son won't take a shower?
Q: My daughter won't brush her teeth. I can't let her go to school with stinky breath.
First, deal with your own anxiety. It is natural that you are concerned about your child's hygiene, how others perceive them and health issues. But we also get uptight because we're worried what teachers and parents will think of us! So control your own anxiety or you will cause this to be a power struggle. And kids always win power struggles.
Second, address the root issue, not the outward behavior. Is this driven by sensory issues? Showers actually feel painful to some kids-it severely irritates their skin or head. Sometimes gums are extra sensitive to brushing. So try alternatives (bubble baths, different tooth brush) and ask an Occupational Therapist for some guidance.
The root cause could be that your child doesn't want to take the time to shower, brush teeth or go potty it because it reduces his time playing. So address this directly. Assure him the LEGOS will be there when he gets back. For every minute spent brushing his teeth/taking a shower, he earns x number of minutes of play time.
Take the anxiety away from the situation. Make it a fun experience or a tradition. On Sunday and Wednesday nights, you run a bubble bath, have music on, light candles, even have a snack in the bathtub. Let your son brush his teeth in a fun place-in the closet, outside, hanging upside down from a tree limb (kidding, but you get the point).
Threatening to spank or take away privileges over hygiene issues will only cause your child to be more constipated and dig his heels in.
Let natural consequences do the work. So your daughter goes to school with her teeth not brushed. When other kids begin telling her that her breath stinks, then maybe she'll start brushing. Let her know that cavities hurt. If your child is older, you can go hardline like me and have your child pay for the cavity to be filled. (I once joked that Casey would have to pay for the novacaine, also, but decided to show some mercy!). With showers, I'll make you a guarantee. When they are younger, you will fret over your child not being clean enough. In a few years, you'll be writing complaining that your teenager takes too many showers.
Q: My son finds it funny to talk, laugh, and joke about inappropriate things. I worry if he carries on this way around others.
It sounds like he just wants the reaction. Plus this is very common for younger kids (by the way, they go through this stage again in the middle school years when they learn really bad words!). It's new and silly to them, and the more attention we give, the more they will keep doing it.
So I would try a few things:
1) Don't give the reaction. You can have a calm, matter-of-fact rule in the house that any of this talk will result in a privilege being taken away. Only I wouldn't make a big deal of it when it happens. Just let him know the rule and when he persists, he loses his screen time for the evening. No big deal, it's a choice he gets to make. You just keep your promise by enforcing the consequence. No lectures, no yelling, no stern talk. He made a choice, he gets the consequence as a gift.
2) Start giving the "reaction", or your emotional intensity, to all the times he DOESN'T use inappropriate language. Praise, praise, praise when he acts in a more mature way. "That's the big guy I know," "Now you're sounding like an 8-year-old, not a little kid."
3) Have your son live up to higher expectations and a larger goal. This should come from Dad. "Hey, Bud, I want to take you on a special trip/overnight/experience, but the one condition is that I have to be able to trust you and know that you're mature enough to handle it. I know you are, I just need to see it." So rather than trying to stop the inappropriate behavior, we're going to give him a goal of positive behavior to achieve...with our praise and a reward as reinforcement.
4) Meet his need for stimulation by redirecting it toward positive pursuits. So come up with a list if 5 or 10 projects/tasks that he could get involved with that are productive, use his gifts and passions, are helpful or fun. Have those listed on the refrigerator so you can refer to them quickly throughout the day. Try to proactively redirect him into these activities.
So now negative behavior doesn't get any reinforcement, just a matter-of-fact consequence. But positive behavior gets plenty of reinforcement. And relax. Most of your kids are angels around other people-they just feel comfortable enough with you to be imperfect.
Your kids and students need to understand how to take responsibility for their own attitudes, actions and behavior. So by all means, listen to the CD's with your kids so they can be empowered to make changes.
Q: How can we get our kids off video games without negotiating?
Our fourth Parenting CD is filled with strategies to help you transfer responsibility to your children. This helps relieve stress and prepare your children to be independent. Here is an excerpt from CD 4 that we absolutely love.
How to get kids to turn video games off without even asking. See if you recognize this situation. You tell your son that he has 30 minutes to play his video games. After giving several verbal warnings, you walk into the room and say, "Time's up." And what do you hear? "No, no, no, I need to get to the next level! No, no, no, I just need to save my game!"" No more negotiating, no more whining, no more complaining. This causes so much friction in homes and wears you down so that you don't have the energy to deal with the real issues.
So here's the Calm Coach Approach. Inform your child that you are giving him the privilege of playing video games. It isn't, as of yet, a right guaranteed by the United States Constitution. So let your child know this is how it's going to work. "You have 37 minutes to play (make it an interesting time limit). You have told me that you're tired of me nagging you, so I'm not going to even bother you or lecture you. I am NOT going to remind you when you shut the game off nor I am going to come downstairs and make you stop. But here's the deal. You have a choice to make.
"IF you play and have the game turned off at exactly 37 minutes, then you have respected your time and my time, and I promise you will have the privilege of playing tomorrow. I may even reward you with some extra time if you show that you respect time.
"IF, however, you continue to play AFTER the 37 minutes is up, then I promise you will begin losing play time tomorrow night and over the weekend. Here's the catch. For every extra minute you play today, I am going to take away 10 minutes of your future time playing.
"Here is a timer. You turn it on. You may want to set it for five minutes before you have to shut it off so you can save your game before the 37 minutes is up. I'm doing this because I believe YOU can be responsible for managing your time and because I want us to have a peaceful home. So go enjoy your time, okay?"
Stick to it. Your kids CAN manage their own time. The reason I begin with video games (or any screen time or activity your child enjoys) is because it is important to them. My purpose is NOT to trip them up. Rather, it's to show them that they CAN manage their own time. It's to give them confidence that can then spread to other areas of their life. "If you can manage your video game time, then I can trust you to manage other parts of your life."
It also helps you begin to step back and stop managing everything for them. That's key for you to stay calm and for them to learn independence.
Here's what it also does. It teaches them the value of time. With our kids, sometimes time is an elusive concept. But time is finite. There are only 24 hours in a day, though many of us try to squeeze out 29 hours! That's why I am tough when it comes to time-if you take a minute of my time, I'm going to take 10 of yours. That definitely wakes up the traffic cop in their brain and gets their attention.
How else can we teach the importance of time? The dreaded morning routine. More on that in the CD series or a future newsletter. But let's begin with giving our kids responsibility for managing their screen time.
Q: My son got caught cheating on a test today. What should I do?
Most of us naturally react out of fear and anxiety. The Mom was crying because you never expect YOUR child to do something like this. We get embarrassed because this makes us look like a bad parent. We become afraid that our child is going to turn into some lying, cheating thief and reprobate. We feel sad because we think we've failed our child somehow. We become angry at our child for betraying what we have clearly taught him. We react and immediately think of ways to punish our child.
What is the Calm Coach Approach? We deal with our own emotions first. No, I don't need to be embarrassed because that was my child's choice. I get perspective-oh, you know what, I cheated in eight grade on a history test (yes, I did, and I turned out okay!). In the big scheme, this is small and I'm actually thankful because this is an early warning sign that something is up with my son. I step back and think, "What is the root of the problem? How can we use this as a learning experience and problem solve so it doesn't happen again?"
This is the power of Calm. We are able to see clearly to find long-term solutions and address the root problems.
Cheating is wrong. No doubt. But this is an outward manifestation of a need or problem inside. As a general rule, the first place I look is anxiety. Anxiety is the quiet killer in America and has a tremendously adverse effect on our kids.
"Has Erik shown more anxiety lately?"
"Yes, he's been on edge."
"Does Erik have a tough time in school?"
"He's generally a C student."
"Does he perceive that his teachers don't like him?"
"Yes. In one class, Erik's afraid to smile because he doesn't want the teacher to think he's not being serious."
"Oy. Can I take another guess? I bet he doesn't have many friends in school."
"He has none. Not one."
"Okay, so now we've got a clearer picture. Your son is anxious about school. And probably with good reason. He struggles to get good grades, doesn't think teachers like him and doesn't have friends. So all in all, it's a negative experience."
"It's been more tense around the house, too."
"So let's think about the root cause of his cheating. I don't think it's deception, wanting to get back at the teacher or even getting away with anything. I think it's anxiety, fear of failing and not doing well. It's definitely wrong. So how are you guys going to deal with it?"
"My husband and I had planned to take Erik to dinner tonight, to make it a fun night so that he'd feel free to talk and tell us what's going on."
"Good! Create a safe environment for opening up. Tip: talk about serious stuff while you're driving or even eating, not when both of you are staring at Erik, or it will put him on the defensive and he'll clam up."
Here's the thing. I know some of you want to reprimand him and tell him that it's wrong, that he's disappointed you and let you down. But don't you think he knows that already? And won't that serve to put him on the defensive rather than talk about his anxiety and how to do it differently next time?
So here's the 10 Step Plan we came up with:
1. Create a conversation instead of a confrontation. Relax, sit down and put your feet up while talking in a calm, matter-of-fact tone.
2. Focus on problem solving rather than creating more problems.
3. Get to the root of the problem.
4. Invite Erik to verbalize his anxiety and why he's been on edge.
5. Develop positive strategies to deal with this anxiety in the future. Determine how Erik can be more prepared for tests. Role play what to do next time he is in a difficult situation.
6. Keep your promises / Enforce consequences. Ask Erik how HE thinks he should handle the cheating. I like kids coming up with their own consequences. I would definitely suggest writing an apology to his teacher, including how he will handle this in the future.
7. Have Erik ask the teacher if he can take the test again. If the teacher says, "No" and gives him a zero, then that's a great natural consequence.
8. Let's work on getting some positive things going in Erik's life so he can feel good about himself. The best way to build confidence is to cultivate our kids' natural gifts, talents and passions. He likes acting class. Great! So build on that. See if he can perform skits in class and do special projects using that passion.
Erik's Mom mentions a slight problem. Erik hasn't wanted to go to acting class lately. That shows me he's withdrawing, and while I want to respect my son's decisions, I also want to push him out of his comfort zone as well. Because once he's there, he has a great time. So here's a bonus tip. Make a personal connection with the acting instructor. See if there is a specific helping job Erik can be responsible for before acting class. That way, he gets there early (important for kids with anxiety), has a personal connection with an adult, has something specific to focus his energy on and feels needed.
9. Let's work on developing one friendship. The best way to do that? Doing a positive activity together. So see if the acting instructor can pair Erik with another child who shares his passion for acting. Give them a project to work on together. This helps them collaborate, compromise, work together and have fun doing something they both enjoy. Or ask the teacher to pair Erik with another student and have them work on a project together-perhaps creating a poster for class.
10. Let's problem solve to establish a positive connection with teachers. Throughout life, you will have conflict with people. It's up to US to take the first step, to do something nice for the other person. So let's find a common interest with teachers, bake them brownies or make them something personal. Take the first step.
Let's contrast two ways to deal with this. My Dad's approach would have been to be waiting at the door for me, to ream me out, send me to my room and ground me for cheating. He would have yelled at me and I would have mumbled an apology to him. But we never would have come up with a solution or made this a learning experience.
Listen, our kids know it is wrong to cheat. They don't need a lecture. They need tools so that next time they face this or a similar situation, they make a calm choice, not one based out of fear or anxiety.
See how important it is for our kids to be calm? That's why we want kids listening to the CD's, understanding how their brains are wired and even coming to our workshops. So bring your kids out!
Q: How can families get the most out of your CD’s?
Great question. There are a number of effective ways to use the CD’s. Overall, families use the CD’s as conversation starters. Some parents play them in the background while getting ready for work in the morning, while driving in the car or while cooking dinner. The kids often absorb the lessons better this way, and it provides a conduit for conversations to:
Provide affirmation:
“That sounds just like you. You’ve got a pretty cool brain, huh, like the guy who invented the iPod.”
Promote understanding:
“Hey, did you hear what the guy said? Does your brain work like that?”
Invite problem-solving
“How do you want to do homework differently based on what you just heard?”
Kids will often ask to listen more because the CD’s are tremendously affirming and empowering. It is very power to hear that you are okay, that there is nothing “wrong” with you, just that you are wired differently and need to proactively overcome challenges.
Don’t be surprised if your kids say, “Hey, Mom, you react like that all the time. He just described you, too!” Use these occasions to talk and problem solve more effective ways to build your family relationships.
When listening, I prefer a more relaxed approach. So use the information on the CD’s to ask your kids questions and probe further. You can listen to specific segments or “tracks” on the CD’s of particular interest, and ask your kids for their feedback.
Some parents allow older kids and teens to download the content on their iPods, or take the CD’s to their rooms, and listen to them alone/independently. Older kids may not talk about everything openly, but they take it in and absorb what we teach. Be open to conversations, but don’t give kids the third degree about what they listened to. Sometimes planting seeds can be very powerful.
To be honest, most guys don’t like reading long articles or books on this topic. But they will listen to a CD during their morning or afternoon commute—so pop a CD in your hubby’s car CD player.
Listen often to help you remain calm, to hold you accountable and to let the calm message seep into your family’s life. When you see the changes begin, they are powerful and will continue to grow stronger.
The Realization
Do you remember where you were when the realization hit--that your child was different, that he or she didn't respond the same way other kids did, that your child related to the world differently?
Some of you remember the doctor giving you a diagnosis or the school calling for a conference, often with a somber tone. You felt your world crumble and began frantically searching for information late at night while everyone else was sleeping. You felt like a failure, like you had somehow caused this. You felt hopeless because everything you heard was negative.
Let's back up for a moment and consider several key principles. Since we have so many new families joining us, I want to address some larger foundational concepts. These are the Top 10 things I'd tell parents who have just had this realization. The first 5 deal with us as parents; the other 5 deal with your kids.
For Parents
(1) You are not alone. Come to our Workshops and you'll find 100 parents in your community struggling with the same issues! Look at this list of qualities-we only know this about kids because so many of them share the same attributes. http://www.celebratecalm.com/16.html. Join or start a local support group-it is very comforting to know you are not alone.
(2) Your child is wired differently, on purpose. Instead of fighting all these differences, we embrace them and actually take advantage of them. We turn negatives into positives. Know how your child is gifted in pushing everyone's buttons? I love that quality. Know why? It means your child gets what makes people tick, so if we can use that gift in a positive way, he can help people. Someone I know well used to use this gift negatively; now he writes encouraging newsletters to you.
(3) It isn't your fault and there's no one to blame. Our kids ARE more challenging, but I have grown to enjoy that because it causes us as parents to grow. Embrace that challenge. You didn't make your child this way. So that means you can't take credit when together we help your child become wildly successful as he matures! Relax and let's control what we can control.
(4) Learn to control your own anxiety and emotions first. Here's a thousand dollar insight for you. Instead of focusing on and trying to control your child's behavior, first address and deal with your own anxiety in every situation. You'll be amazed at how the dynamics of your home and classroom change when you are calm. No matter what your child does or says, our job is to prove that our kids can count on us to control ourselves and remain calm.
(5) Take care of yourself so your kids don't have to take care of you. Sometimes well-meaning parents sacrifice their own mental health and needs. In doing so, we become needy. If you are so frazzled, frustrated and tired that your kids can "drive you crazy" or push your buttons, then they are in control. We end up "needing" our kids to behave, because if they make a bad choice, WE can't deal with it. So please, please take care of yourself. Exercise, get time alone to recharge, do activities that make you feel peaceful and strong. And drop them off at the grandparents house often!
For Kids
(6) Get to know your kids inside and out. Our primary mission and passion is to help parents and teachers understand these kids inside and out. Otherwise, adults will continually misinterpret what our kids do and actually make things worse. IF, however, we know what makes our kids tick, then we can develop strategies that address root needs and create long-term transformation.
(7) Do not treat outward behavior--meet underlying needs. Most programs focus on addressing outward behavior, which is ultimately futile and reactive. Stop, slow down and observe children. Children tell us everything we need to know if we understand what needs they are trying to meet through their outward behavior (need for order, purposeful stimulation, sensory issues, etc.). We must understand our kids' primary needs so that we can address the root of the underlying issues. This is critical.
(8) Pinpont specific symptoms and needs. Before buying into the idea that any one treatment can be a magic pill, we must first identify specific needs. Then we can meet those needs by equipping our kids with tools, changing their environment, setting clear and high expectations, trying alternative teaching styles, using proper nutrition and exercise, changing their neuropathways, etc.
The labels we assign to our kids do not always accurately describe what's going on inside their hearts and brains. We have worked personally with well over a thousand children--no two are the same. Varying degrees of anxiety, sensory needs, obsessive compulsive traits, impulsivity and so many other traits show up at different times and in different situations. That makes it critical to understand WHY your kids are doing what they do. That's our passion and what we love most!
(9) Build on their gifts, talents and passions--in school, at home, at church, through extracurricular activities. Anyone who is happy in life is using their gifts and passions in productive ways. But in our anxiety-driven compulsion to fix all their weaknesses, we forget to build upon our kids' strengths. Want to build confidence and help with social skills? Find ways for your child (and students) to use their skills in the classroom, at a job or internship, in a club or community group. This NEVER fails.
(10) Equip your kids. I cannot shout this loud enough. We need to actively teach our kids how their brains work, so that they can overcome weaknesses and use strengths to their advantage. I never mention the labels when I talk to kids. Instead, I talk to them as adults-this is the way your brain works, so let's try doing homework this way or that way. Then I turn it over to them-they like the ownership and feeling like they have some control over themselves. So let's arm them with information and insight about themselves-it is validating and empowering.
One final note: remember to practice the 3 P's: Patience, perspective and progress. Stay in the moment--do not project your fears out 10 years or by comparing your kids to others. Remember all of your child's positive qualities and accentuate those. Celebrate progress continually (not perfection).
So let's slow down, let go of our parenting anxiety and guilt, and equip our kids with the tools to become successful in the classroom, living room and life. Partner with your child's teachers--they will have a lot of insight into what works with your kids and what doesn't (especially when they have been trained with specific strategies). Yes, there is hope, lots of it. I wholeheartedly believe our kids can be wildly successful when equipped with insight and the right tools.